The Good Times Blog

Man Plans Poorly

2011-07-08T22:24:00.005-04:00

A 30 year old Colorado man was arrested on charges of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy after he was found hiding in the porta-potty of a yoga festival. When we say IN the porta-potty, we mean IN it. As in he was covered in a tarp, hiding in the basin underneath the toilet with the hopes of catching a glimpse of some yogi lady parts. The man was originally questioned for panhandling when a witness identified him as the person she had seen inside her toilet earlier in the day. The fact that he was covered in human excrement also helped to alert the police to his identity.

In addition to arresting him, officers informed him about an invention called the internet, which for many years now has made this sort of herculean effort to see a stranger naked virtually obsolete.

Come On, Everyone Knows that Kids LOVE Clowns!

2010-04-14T20:46:00.003-04:00

Got a youngster with a birthday coming up? Stumped about what to get the little nugget for his or her big day? Here's an idea for you: pay a scary clown to stalk the kid for 7 days!

Evil Clown Dominic Deville will, presumably for a small fee, follow your child around, send them texts about how they will soon be attacked, leave them creepy phone messages, and notes about how they are being watched. At the end of 7 days, Dominic will ambush your child and slam a birthday cake in his/her face. If the child manages to AVOID the attack he gets to keep the cake as a birthday gift!

Nothing says I love you like the gift of "I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars on your therapy later in life."

HOT TIPS!

2010-04-07T19:15:00.005-04:00

UNITED KINGDOM -- Two women were arrested for trying to smuggle the corpse of their dead relative onto a flight to Berlin. The women put the 91-year old man in a wheelchair, added some sunglasses and tried to board. They were arrested on charges of "suspicion of failure to give notification of death". Who even knew that was a crime...and who even knew there are people who watch Weekend at Bernie's and think "that is a good idea." I guess it IS possible they saw Weekend at Bernie's II.
SAN DIEGO, CA -- Drunk Man Steals Ambulance, Leads Slow Chase...I just liked the article title which really tells the whole story.
FULTON, MS -- I was going to award this story the Tara-ble Idea Award, but I decided that award is more for sheer stupidity as opposed to a total lack of human decency. Parents and students at a High School in Fulton, Mississippi threw a fake prom to avoid having to include a lesbian couple and a group of students with learning disabilities. Yeah, that just happened. To top this doozy with a cherry, they don't seem to see anything wrong with that. Wow.
I DON'T KNOW...KENTUCKY??-- To clean the fake prom nasty out of our mouths...KFC has confirmed that they will soon deliver to restaurants nationwide...the Double Down (being gamblers, we like the name...and gambling with the stability of our vital organs!). What is it you might ask? Besides being amazing it is "two slabs of fried chicken holding together two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce". If you can't picture it, it is a bacon and cheese sandwich where the bun has been replaced with fried chicken. The Nutritional info is actually, not as bad as one would expect...540 calories, 32 grams of fat.

Stellar Economic Advice from All-American Crooner Pat Boone

2010-04-06T20:18:00.005-04:00

These are tough economic times and here at the GTB we have been wondering, what we can do to better follow biblical economic principles. Luckily, back in 2006 when investigating a story about Pat Robertson's ability to leg press 2,000 lbs. and the nutritious shake that allowed him to do so, we went undercover and signed up for the Christian Broadcasting Network's e-Newsletter. Usually, we delete their e-mails and curse this blog for letting them in our inbox, but today, we stopped and read. The subject of the message was: "The Shocking Truth About Money -- PAT BOONE". We love money and we love Pat Boone so we opened it.

What we learned was SHOCKING. America has been defying the bible and Jesus by not investing in gold. Pat Boone assures us that "Gold is amazing! It's morally-correct money which conserves AND grows wealth liberally." He also offers to send us an audio FAQ about why we should obey God by buying gold and about a company called Swiss America that can help us to do so.

Never in a million years would we have guessed that research for this blog would lead us to Pat Boone and his economic advice. We don't have any money to invest in gold right now because all of our silly liberal money is invested in a foreign wind company, but we have already asked my HR departments if we can henceforth be paid only in precious metals. Jesus will like that and so will Pat Boone.

GTB Ends US Dependence on Foreign Oil with Single Brilliant Idea

2010-04-05T20:22:00.005-04:00

Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona is a genius. He had the idea to force inmates in the Tent City Jail in Phoenix to pedal exercise bikes in order to generate the electricity needed to power their televisions. Every minute they pedal generates enough electricity for them to watch one minute of TV. The inmates get both the benefits of exercise and the benefits of TV.

The simple brilliance of this idea got us thinking. There are about 2.3 Million people currently incarcerated (2008, Bureau of Justice Statistics) in the US. They are in prison for 24 hours a day. Let's (generously) knock off 8 of those for sleep, 3 for things that keep people alive (eating, bathroom breaks, etc.) and 30 minutes for things that keep people alive in prison (shiv-making, contraband trading, guard bribing, gang chapter meetings, etc.). That leaves us with 12.5 hours or 750 minutes of wasted time, per prisoner, per day.

I know this is a lot of math, but stay with me. When I put all these numbers into Excel, it tells me that we could dole out approximately 5 minutes of electricity to every American, EVERY DAY if those lazy, crime-committing criminals would pay their debt to society by pedaling aimlessly for hours upon hours daily (we can more than double this if we make people on parole and probation contribute part of their day to this patriotic cause).

That is 5 free minutes for each and every (law-abiding US) citizen to watch TV, mess around with their DVR, make a pot of coffee, or charge their electric car! The other benefit is that it would keep the prisoners out of trouble. There would be very little time for stealing apples from the dining hall to make liquor or stabbing one's cellmate if you are busy "Powering Freedom".

Prisoners can’t even vote. This idea is unstoppable.

Triumphant Return of the GTB Mirrors the Triumphant Return of GTB Hero The Hoff

2010-04-01T14:40:00.006-04:00

We don't know how we missed this, but we did so here it goes! David Hasselhoff has announced that he will soon begin filming an as yet untitled reality TV Show about his life. Citing “creative unfulfillment” in his position as a judge on the hit series America’s Got Talent, The Hoff has signed a 10-episode deal with A&E to star in a show that chronicles his attempt to break his daughters into the recording industry.

At first we were concerned about the amount of stress that this would place on the GTB’s Musical and Theatrical Muse/Inspiration/Hero given his recent (and let’s be honest here…ongoing) battle with alcoholism. Then we remembered that this is the man who single-handedly unified Germany (and tore down the Berlin Wall using only awesome music and hip gyration) and rescued Hobie (who’s hair now looks like this by the way) and his love interest from an electric eel using only a defibrillator and his BARE HANDS*. He’ll be fine, but somebody should probably make a note to craft services “No Jack Daniels. No Cheeseburgers.” (We assume you still get a Craft Services Table when you star in a reality show…otherwise, nobody would ever film them).

Congratulations The Hoff. We cannot WAIT to watch!

*THANK YOU YOUTUBE FOR EXISTING and providing this clip. It is worth every minute you will spend watching it at work. Also a big shout out to Baywatch for naming this episode “Eel Nino” and making it easy to find!

**Thanks to Leslie for the tip!

Anti-Government Militia Attracts the Unattractive

2010-03-31T17:24:00.003-04:00

Ordinarily, we would resist the urge to write a post about something as catty as someone (or a group of someones) appearance(s)*. People come in all varieties and here at the GTB we like to consider ourselves cognizant of the fact that everyone is someone's child, but this time, WOW, we just can't help it. The group of suspects rounded up in the Michigan Militia arrests fell from the ugly tree and clearly hit every branch on the way down. There, we said it. Do we feel bad? No, not really because the only reason we found this collage-of-wow-that's-(pregnant pause)-not-cute is because they are terrible people who were planning to do something terrible. We blame them for opening themselves up to this sort of ridicule. We also blame them for their lifestyle and hairstyle choices.

Kudos to the FBI for heading this group off at the pass.

GTB Neat Fact: While researching this story we found that the Southern Poverty Law Center, a non-profit organization that monitors hate and fringe groups across the US documented a 244% jump in new anti-government "Patriot Groups" last year. This included the addition of 85 new militia groups.

*Statement excludes celebrities, quasi-celebrities, K-Fed, Bjork, Karl Rove, and the Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter.

A New Low for the Drunk

2010-03-30T16:04:00.003-04:00

Sometimes people drink. Sometimes people drink too much. Sometimes people drink too much...and get arrested for public intoxication because they have been caught on the side of the road attempting to resuscitate a long-dead opossum.

That is the story of Donald Wolfe, 55, of Pennsylvania (somewhere North of Pittsburgh). Troopers pulled over after seeing a man performing what appeared to be a "seance" over the carcass of a dead opossum on the shoulder of a Pennsylvania highway. As they approached, Wolfe began performing CPR on the animal. Wolfe was unable to resuscitate the roadkill and was arrested...and presumably tested for rabies.

Loves His Marriage...Enough to Strangle His Wife

2009-03-17T19:28:00.006-04:00

Bradley Gellert of Tampa, Florida was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery last night after attempting to strangle his wife. The couple was fighting over drugs.

This is probably the point in the story where you are wondering if we are just posting this story to give Bradley Gellert another shout out as an D-bag on Google (think "DWI Hit Parade" from the St. Mary's Today for all of our readers from down County)...no, we just want you to see the shirt he was wearing in his mugshot. Puffy hearts his marriage, but apparently not enough to NOT beat his wife. He should take a tip from Chris Brown and send her an iPod. Maybe they too could move past the domestic abuse and do a duet together!

For the record, Bradley Gellert works for Ameriprise, but we ask you to NOT hold this guy against them. We have an Ameriprise Financial planner and while he does love irony, he has never tried to strangle us.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip!

That's McG-ruffed Up

2009-03-03T20:56:00.003-05:00

Since most of the GTB's readership are DC natives or at the very least, long-term imports, we thought you would enjoy the story of Metro bus driver Shawn Brim and his very bad idea.

On Saturday, while driving his bus downtown, Brim came upon McGruff the Crime Dog handing out fliers about crime prevention to children on the street. Brim stopped, walked off the bus, adjusted his side view mirrors...and punched McGruff in the face, terrifying the group of children who had stopped to meet the famous anti-crime advocate and learn how they could take a bite out of crime (and deal with bullies).

Brim then got back on his bus and drove away. He later told his supervisor that he had chosen to beat up McGruff simply because he thought it would be funny. Brim is undergoing drug and alcohol testing, and his continued employment with Metro is...to be determined.

Let's tell the truth, who amongst us hasn't thought about punching McGruff the Crime Dog? With his trenchcoat and his life lessons, he is utterly punchable, but that's where the fantasy has to end. You don't actually do it and if you are going to do it, wait until you get off work. Not a sermon, just a thought.

One Woman's Unbe-weave-able Story of Survival

2009-02-23T20:25:00.002-05:00

A Kansas City woman is alive today thanks to an unlikely hero...her hair weave! The woman was shot in the back of the head by her ex-boyfriend (who just prior to the shooting claimed he still loved her). Miraculously the woman's hair weave STOPPED THE BULLET. She escaped unscathed and police have arrested her ex-boyfriend.

I couldn't even find an appropriate graphic for this story because it is just so outrageous. You really need to see the video. That is one amazing weave. I wonder if the government knows that hair weaves can stop BULLETS. They should get Jessica Simpson to lead an infantry division in the Baghdad!

Chris Brown's Dad Clears Things Up

2009-02-16T18:21:00.002-05:00

Chris Brown's father, Clinton Brown, commented this week on the allegations that his son beat his girlfriend, musical sensation, Rihanna, before the Grammy Awards last week, we feel much better about the situation:

"This is unfortunate, this stumble, this situation. Hopefully, he will get past it. We all have our shortcomings. We all trip."

He makes it sound like Chris Brown hit an unexpected patch of black ice (in Los Angeles) and accidentally busted up Rihanna's face on his way to the ground. He is right though, we all have our shortcomings, we are just glad that our shortcomings don't include smacking around our girlfriends.

Sad about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Here's a story
about a man who mailed a traffic ticket covered in mysterious white powder (that turned out to be instant pudding) into a police station causing the station to be evacuated and forcing 2 station employees into quarantine.

It is Our Honor to Present...

2009-02-11T16:28:00.003-05:00

Say you got a dead fish in the mail, and the dead fish was covered in white powder, and we live in an era of post 9/11 paranoia, what would you do? If you are Maureen McCarthy, a senior adviser for weapons of mass destruction intelligence programs at the Department of Homeland Security, you would put the fish (white powder and all) in your car, drive your car to your workplace, and park your car full of white powder covered dead fish threat under the ventilation shaft for your building. The FBI closed McCarthy's building on Friday while they investigated the incident.

To her credit, she did call the security department for the building and ask them what to do, so the incident might not be 100% her fault. Also to, answer my own question, if I got a dead fish covered in white powder in the mail, I would probably eat it as I'm much more worried about the economy than I am about terrorism. I'd also send a thank you note to Jono and Brennan since they are my best guesses for the senders.

*Thanks to Reebs for the Hot Tip!

I am Running out of Companies to Buy Gas From

2009-02-09T20:32:00.005-05:00

In 1998 there was a shooting on a Chevron oil rig off the coast of Nigeria that left 2 unarmed protesters dead. The peaceful protest was staged by villagers who sought jobs as compensation for the damage the rig had done to their fisheries and farmland. After the shooting, the villagers sued Chevron and (shockingly) lost. Now Chevron, presumably in an attempt to discourage any future law suits, is suing the villagers to recoup their legal fees. Chevron is asking for $495,000 ($190,000 for copy costs alone). You might recall that Chevron made $23.8 Billion in profits last year, good thing since they had to spend all that money on copies. I'm sure the Nigerian villagers will be able to pony up the cash if they put off getting their greedy little mouths on clean drinking water for another hundred years.

P.S. Does "Human Energy" make anyone else think that Chevron fuels its refineries with human souls or maybe babies?

Of All the Things You Could Smuggle from Dubai

2009-02-03T16:47:00.002-05:00

An Australian man, returning from a trip to Dubai, was arrested for smuggling 2 pigeon eggs, 2 live pigeons, and an undeclared eggplant through customs. The man was detained after officials found the eggs in a vitamin container. The subsequent search yielded the 2 live pigeons, wrapped in padded envelopes and shoved inside the mans pants. No word on where they found the eggplant.

Why bother with pigeons when you could leave Dubai with pants full of crude oil? I'm also not sure why he bothered with the padded envelopes. Looks like the pigeons could have been quite cozy in that mangrove he is masquerading as leg hair.

Another Way to Screw Up Your Kid

2009-01-29T21:31:00.004-05:00

An article published in the most recent issue of the journal Social Science Quarterly suggests that the popularity of a child's name can be a predictor of tendency towards criminal behavior. Researchers found that the more unpopular a child's name for the time in which the child is growing up, the more likely the child will eventually commit a crime.

According to the journal's publisher, "Adolescents with unpopular names may be more prone to crime because they are treated differently by their peers, making it more difficult for them to form relationships. Juveniles with unpopular names may also act out because they consciously or unconsciously dislike their names."

Finally a reason for why I knocked over that liquor store! Wait...how popular was the name "Lauren" in the late 1970's and early 1980's? Oh...maybe it really was just my love of scratch-offs and whiskey.

Hello Hospital!

2009-01-27T19:52:00.005-05:00

All day long we intended (and were excited) to post about Ted Haggard's newest scandal (which is actually an old scandal that just came out...pun intended), but when then we saw this and decided it would brighten your day just a little bit more!

A hospital in Taiwan has overhauled its maternity ward in the theme of Hello Kitty! When asked about the makeover, owner Tsai Tsung-ji said "When new moms feel anxious and lost about how to deal with their new babies, Hello Kitty can make them more relaxed and reduce their sense of discomfort while giving birth".

I think we would prefer an epidural or a nightstick to the back of the neck. Strangely though, this is exactly what we assumed a hospital in Taiwan would look like. On another note, Hello Kitty helping new moms deal with feeling "lost about how to deal with their new babies"...who knew Tom Cruise owns a Hospital in Taiwan!

Sarah Palin is Still For Sale

2009-01-26T19:16:00.005-05:00

A professional window dresser from West Hollywood was disappointed when the winning bidder from his eBay auction backed out of the transaction after he discovered that the Sarah Palin mannequin he had been bidding on had been hung in effigy this past Halloween. The winning bidder was a Sarah Palin fan and withdrew his bid of more than $2,200 when he discovered that the seller did not share his fondness for the former Vice Presidential candidate.

For the record we at the GTB do not support effigies in general (we hold the right to flip-flop on this subject if the effigies in question are in the likeness of Bill O'Reilly and/or The Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter), and really the hanging of this effigy in particular is a side note. What really caught us about this story was the following:

1.) Somebody was going to pay $2,200 for a "Sarah Palin" mannequin? Why?? I ask you bidder, what was the plan? Fly around in a helicopter with it pretend you have the authority to shoot at wolves? Stand it in the room for moral support when you give your daughter a stern talking to about her unwanted teen pregnancy? Did you not see a picture of what you were buying? Which brings me to my next point...

2.) So you can just take a well-proportioned styrofoam body, put it in a fancy brown wig with some flashy glasses and a pretty red coat and call it a Vice Presidential candidate...oh wait, that sounds about right. I was about to call this the worst likeness I have ever seen, but I have seen the light. And finally...

3.) The guy selling this is a PROFESSIONAL WINDOW DRESSER. Take a look at this thing and ask yourself...FOR WHO?!? The Salvation Army? A used wig shop? Chico's? It doesn't say in the article, but I'll keep my eyes peeled the next time I'm walking through the hip shopping area of downtown East Berlin (before the wall came down).

HOT TIPS!

2009-01-22T21:47:00.010-05:00

The GTB has entered the year 2008...become a fan of us on Facebook! It is possible that the 15 non-authors who have already "fanned" us are the only 15 people who read this...but if we missed anybody, make sure you show us the love, Facebook Style. Do so, here (I have no idea if linking to this page will work).
A former of employee of the University of Florida's emergency text messaging service may be charged with an as-yet-to-be-determined-crime for sending an emergency text to thousands of University students and faculty that read "The Monkey Got Out of the Cage". The man claims the text was an accident. Before you judge too harshly, who amongst us hasn't sent a text message they regretted the next day? Just ask this girl we know who sent out an upside down photo with the message "Hagby Odo Xfar?" after one too many bottles of screw-top champagne this New Years Eve!
Big fat face Rush Limbaugh relayed a story to his listeners the other day about a recent request he received from an "American Publication" to sum up his feelings about the Inauguration in 400 words. Limbaugh ended his diatribe with "I hope he fails. Somebody's gotta say it." Wow Mr. Limbaugh...aren't you lucky people didn't wish failure upon you when you kicked your prescription drug habit?
In case you didn't know, the economy is doing stellar. If you don't believe us check out the National Republican Congressional Committee's website. You can't make this stuff up.

Judge Roy "I'm a D-Bag" Pearson Earns Additional Title of "Herpes of the Legal System"

2009-01-21T19:25:00.008-05:00

The Universe must be pretty jazzed about the return of the GTB because today it spoon-fed me an update on our favorite hijacker of the DC Courts, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr.

In case you forgot, Roy Pearson is the guy who has been suing his dry cleaners for $54 million in damages after they lost his pants (he claims) whereby not living up to their promise of "satisfaction guaranteed". The lawsuit has never really gone anywhere, but the legal fees did crush Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, causing them to close their business last year.

Since we are sure you missed Judge D-Bag as much, if not more than you missed us, here's an update on what he has been doing since we last wrote about him...in October 2007 (yeah, it has really been going on that long. In fact, he first filed suit in 2005).

You probably remember that Pearson lost his original suit and appealed it to the DC Court of Appeals. A three-judge panel denied his appeal on the grounds that his argument "defied logic" (I couldn't make this up!). Pearson has now filed another appeal demanding that the full, nine-judge panel hear and respond to his argument.

How did this guy even make it through law school? Isn't there some sort of "Are you Batshit Crazy?" section on the Bar exam? I think I would feel better if Gary Busey threatened to pull out my Endocrine System than I do about Roy L. Pearson actually being a judge. We challenge you, our readers, to come up with a job that you would feel comfortable with Roy L. Pearson having. Preferably one that doesn't require him to wear suit pants since it seems that's how this whole thing started.

A New Day!

2009-01-20T17:44:00.003-05:00

Today is the day, the day so many of us have waited for. Listening to Obama's Inaugural Address today we took note of this piece in particular:

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

He is right. The time has come for all of us to do our part. As such, we would like to announce the triumphant return of The Good Times Blog.

We don't have the audacity to assume that the GTB does anything really amazing, aside from occasionally providing secondhand news, celebrity gossip, political commentary, and sometimes a good hearty chuckle for its readers. You can rest assured that this newfound dedication to investigatory journalism is only a small part of the plan we are currently implementing to pull our own weight to better this new America. We also can't promise that the updates will happen daily, but we will do our best to keep the heartwarming Good Times coming.

Today is a new day for America and for the Good Times Blog. We challenge you to also look at your priorities and ask yourself where you can take up the challenge of our new President to come together and get America back on track. Our readers (you) are nothing if not fantastically intelligent and resourceful...we are excited to see what you will do!

Did She Just Say Maryland???

2008-03-11T22:07:00.003-04:00

So if you click on the picture of the pretty lady on the left, you will go to a YouTube video with the audio from Oklahoma State Senator Sally Kern going off about gays. An Oklahoma state Senator gay bashing at a luncheon is sort of old news, but...if you listen carefully, about half-way through, between where she says gays are worse than "terrorists and Islam", but before she says gays and their high school clubs will destroy America, she says that gays have taken over city councils all over America! She gives 4 examples. One was Kensington, Maryland. Another was Takoma, Maryland (presumably she meant Takoma Park which DOES have a bunch of gays on their city council). You know you are doing something right when Oklahoma State Senators are using you as an example of all that is wrong with America!

Excellent News for the Economy

2008-02-28T20:23:00.002-05:00

For those of you who were slightly concerned about the US economy because all of those liberal alarmists have "implied" that we might be about to enter or maybe have already entered a RECESSION, good news...those Socialist Bastards were INCORRECT. Bush and Bernanke cleared up the confusion today stating that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, the economy, though in a "rocky period" is not in an downward spiral that will inevitably end with China owning us. That is the good news. The bad news is that Bush got a C- in Econ 101.

Elmo Know Your Name...and he Wants You Dead

2008-02-25T20:30:00.002-05:00

A Florida mother got quite the scare this week after she changed the batteries in her son's "Elmo Knows Your Name" doll. The doll, which can be programmed to repeat its young owner's name, had apparently learned a new phrase with its new batteries. He now says "Kill James!" (conveniently the name of the woman's son). The concerned mother contacted the toy's manufacturer, Fisher-Price, and they will provide her with a voucher for a new Elmo (if I were her I would burn that voucher).

Having always been slightly afraid of soulless, homicidal dolls and the inevitable Doll/Human War that will surely lead to the apocalypse, I decided to investigate this "Elmo Knows Your Name" character more thoroughly. Given Elmo's popularity, he is the logical choice for commander of the Immortal Doll Army. Here's what Fisher-Price has to say about soon to be Public Enemy #1:

Elmo knows your name, your family & friend’s names and your birth date! Elmo also knows your favorite foods, color and animal, too!

Long and short...ELMO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED. Not only will he kill you, if given the chance he'll kill everyone you love, and he'll probably do it on your birthday.

I for one plan to move into the underground bunker I built beneath my house. As my last act of philanthropy before going into hiding, I will send one of these creepy dolls to Ralph Nader. Maybe it can scare him into understanding that YES everyone wants a third-party option, but NOBODY thinks he's the guy that will make it happen and EVERYBODY is pissed that he thinks this is the year to go for it (again).

Has Fred Phelps Franchised?

2008-02-21T22:15:00.002-05:00

Is it possible that Fred Phelps has opened up a branch of the WBC in Israel? It seems unlikely, but there is evidence that it is possible. Shlomo Benizri, an Israeli MP from the super-Orthodox Shas party, blamed recent natural disasters in Israel on..the gays (is it me or are the gays shockingly powerful? Like superhero powerful. I have a theory that they funnel house music straight into the depths of their souls where they pack it so tightly that eventually it erupts in the form of earth quakes, tsunamis, bird flu, and shows on HGTV...it is a working theory but it has teeth). While speaking on the issue of disaster preparedness, Benizri told a committee that Israel should "stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes."

There are lots of things I could say about this, like, maybe this guy is right...I mean look how many earthquakes San Francisco has...but I think I'll just leave it at "Shlomo is an awesome name".

P.S. The picture above has nothing to do with Israel, but it is pretty funny.

What's Scarier Than a Plane Full of Snakes?

2008-01-29T21:49:00.000-05:00

Those ever efficient Germans have figured out a way to ensure that passengers aren't hiding plastic forks under their clothes...they let them take them off! A German travel company is trying out a new day trip itinerary aimed at nudist patrons. For a mere $735, you and your nudey friends can take a day trip from Germany to the Baltic Sea Resort of Usedom.

Passengers will be required to wear clothes onto the plane and put them back on before the plane lands, but in the air, anything goes. The owner of the travel company acknowledged that the idea might sound crazy to some but he noted that there is an available niche market that could be tapped into. He did clarify, "I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that. We're a perfectly normal holiday company." Germany, the land of entrepreneurs and cream cheese pizza.

*Thanks to Brookey for the tip!

Hey! Spain Has One Too!

2008-01-28T19:37:00.001-05:00

So in America we might be stuck with the judge who sued the dry cleaners and forced them out of business for allegedly losing his pants, but at least we aren't Spain! In Spain, they have a motorist who is suing the family of the 17-year old bicyclist he killed in hopes of seeking repayment for damage the crash caused to his Audi A8.

While the man, Tomas Delgado, hasn't been charged with a crime, his insurance company did pay the boy's family 33,000 euros after acknowledging that Delgado's "excessive" speed may have contributed to the accident.

When asked why he was suing the family for the equivalent of $29,300 Delgado told a reporter, "I'm also a victim in all of this, you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine."

We Haven't Been Kidnapped

2008-01-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

In case you were worried (which I don't think you were since the cops haven't shown up at our houses yet), Lulu bought a house and has been moving in (very slowly) and Scooter got a new job at a restaurant that doesn't have any customers so he has to work 24 hours a day. We will be back soon, we promise.

Efficient? Yes. Stupid? Also Yes.

2007-12-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

A German man was in line for a plane home from Egypt when security told him that he would have to dump out the liter of vodka he was carrying or pay to have his carry-on bag checked thanks to the airline liquid ban. Instead, the man chose option C. He drank the entire liter. Then he went to the hospital to be treated for alcohol poisoning.

See, to me, that is incredibly efficient. He bought the vodka, so he drank the vodka. The fact that it was enough vodka to KO Lindsay Lohan (or an elephant), yeah maybe that wasn't the best part of the plan.

Romney to America: Mormon Shmorman!

2007-12-06T16:03:00.001-05:00

Today Mitt Romney said that, "A person should not be elected because of his faith, nor should he be rejected because of his faith"

Sounds good. Sounds like Mitt feels that religions shouldn't be a litmus test for presidential office. Go Mitt Go!

But wait just a second. A short while ago Romney was asked if he'd be willing to appoint a Muslim to his cabinet if elected. His response:
" . . . based on the numbers of American Muslims [as a percentage of] our population, I cannot see that a Cabinet position would be justified. But of course, I would imagine that Muslims could serve at lower levels of my administration."

So religion shouldn't be a litmus test for president but it should for cabinet positions. Makes perfect sense to me Mitt.

Also, not to get hung up on a technicality but Muslims claim 7 million adherents in the U.S. compared to the 5.5 million adherents claimed by LDS.

A Tara-bly AWESOME Idea for What You Can Get ME!

2007-12-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

If you have been sitting around wondering just what to get me as a housewarming gift, here's an idea...Tara Reid! She had been pedaling her appearance in Australia for $30K, but when there were no takers, she dropped the asking price to a mere $3,500. That is downright CHEAP.

I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if they do, and there are like a thousand of you out there, you could get me Tara Reid for only $3.50 each. That is one less Happy Meal for you and a lifetime of happy memories for me.

Think it over. Having Tara Reid come to my housewarming party would be so amazing that this blog would probably explode because there is absolutely nothing that could happen on earth that would top that. I would never again have anything to write about. Yes, this could work.

Fool Me Once...Shame on You...Fool Me Eight Times...uh...You Can't Get Fooled Again

2007-12-03T17:32:00.000-05:00

Everybody's favorite Toe-Tappin' Senator, Larry Craig, remains under the hot lights about his alleged affairs or attempts at affairs with men who are not his wife. Craig's hometown paper now claims to have accounts from 8 men stating that they either had sex with Craig or were propositioned for sex by Craig.

First off, I can't believe we are still talking about this. Larry Craig should have pulled a Ted Haggard, headed to Gay Rehab, and then had a church board declare him heterosexual (or cured). Instead, he keeps denying it which angers the people who he did it with, which makes them come forward because even men who get paid for sex have enough dignity to hate being called liars. Let's be honest folks, could there possibly be 8 men in this world who hate Larry Craig enough to lie about having sex with him? If they didn't have sex with him, they are only punishing themselves by claiming that they did.

When will the Larry Craigs of the world learn that if you are going to are going to have an affair that will ruin your career, have it with somebody who has as much to lose as you do. For instance Larry Craig and Ted Haggard could have had a rather lovely romance, but no...instead they both called the same male prostitute who in turn ratted them both out. These are the people we have running our nation? Where is their sense of patriotism? If you are going to be in government, you either have to be able to tell the truth and deal with the consequences (HA!) or able to successfully execute a cover-up...Larry Craig can do neither and that alone is reason enough to kick him back to Idaho.

Aren't You Overreacting, Just a Tad?

2007-11-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

A Russian man accidentally blew himself up with a hand grenade after train conductors asked to see his ticket. The conductors thought the man, who appeared intoxicated, had a grenade and asked him to show his paperwork or get off the train at the next stop. The man showed the conductors the grenade and demanded that the train go to the city of Vladivostok instead of its planned destination of the city of Chelyabinsk. At this point, the other train passengers were evacuated. Negotiations with the man were going well until the man tried to replace the pin that he had removed from the grenade. The grenade (not shockingly) detonated, killing the man but injuring no one else.

He blew himself up because the conductor asked to see his train ticket and he believed he could hijack a train with a single grenade. Is there a website that stupid people and people who are prone to overreaction can go to purchase things to blow themselves up? How do idiots manage to so easily get their hands on explosives when intelligent people like myself can't get our hands on explosives to say...blow up some ground bees that have invaded our back yard? They say everybody is good at something, apparently the less bright are better at procuring weapons.

Singapore Rocks On

2007-11-26T19:43:00.001-05:00

Singapore's Media Development Authority wants you to know they have big plans for Singapore on the world media stage. It is pretty awesome that they took time out of their busy foreign media censoring schedule to rap about how much they love a free exchange of ideas and information.

Justice Department Gets New Employee

2007-11-19T20:42:00.000-05:00

The U.S. Attorney for Minnesota is leaving her post to take a job with the Justice Department right here in our Nation's Capital. Rachel Paulose leaves her post amid a swirl of allegations that she mishandled confidential information and used racial slurs about an employee.

Racial slurs and an inability to handle confidential information? She will fit right in at the Justice Department.

Welcome to Washington Rachel!

Did India Legalize Gay Marriage?

2007-11-14T19:18:00.001-05:00

I ask because last week, P. Selvakumar of Southern India married a dog. Selvakumar decided to propose in an effort to atone for the fact that 15 years ago he stoned 2 different dogs to death. He said that his life has been cursed ever since and he decided that the best thing to do was to make a dog his wife. So far no word on if his life has improved since the wedding.

I'm pretty sure that this type of thing only follows the legalization of Gay Marriage so congrats to all the Gays in India as well!

Must Be the Provigil

2007-11-12T21:00:00.001-05:00

There is a rumor circulating that Britney Spears failed one of the 6 out of 14 drug tests that she has bothered to show up for. Team Britney claims that the failure was due in part to the presence of the prescription drug Provigil that Britney takes to control her Narcolepsy.

Time out...Britney Spears is Narcoleptic? Notice that her lawyer didn't mention her narcolepsy when trying to explain why Britney can't manage to make it out of bed to go to her drug tests:

“The idea that she needs to respond within the hour is meaningless. Is the issue that Britney Spears needs to get up at 8.30am and answer the phone? She's a pop star with a number one album. She is not up that early."

Did Britney Spears find her lawyer at A.) the back-up dancer unemployment office or B.) an Arby's?

Vote in the comments section!

Fun, Delicious, Deadly

2007-11-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

Yet another toy manufactured in China has been pulled from the shelves. This time it was "Aqua Dots" bead kits. When ingested, the coating on the dots converts into a "date rape" drug that has already put several children in the hospital.

What is the world coming to that kids can't even swallow their toys without fear of ending up hospitalized? The good news is that I finally have an explanation for why that creepy guy at the bar kept offering to buy me a "cup of plastic beads".

Delicious Donkey

2007-11-06T22:47:00.001-05:00

A Beijing, China donkey meat shop is in trouble for using a live donkey for promotional purposes. The donkey mascot is left on local street corners alone, often for hours at a time, wearing a coat that displays an ad for his owners. Locals are appalled by the treatment of the donkey, but the owner of the donkey meat shop insists there is no harm done and that serves his purpose to bring in more customers.

If I had a donkey meat shop, I would definitely use a live donkey as a billboard. This would allow people to see the quality of my product and entice them to my establishment. How else would people know that the donkey meat at my shop is better than the donkey meat offered at my neighbor's donkey meat shop? Jeez. You crazy animal activists.

A Republican Rides the Stallion!

2007-11-01T09:24:00.000-04:00

Another one bites the dust!

Have you heard the story about the anti-gay right winger who ended up being a flaming homo?

No, not Larry Craig.

No, not Ted Haggard.

No, not Mark Foley.

No, not Bob Allen.

There's a new one. Washington State Representative Richard Curtis has found himself in the center of a gay sex/extortion "problem".

The SeattleTimes reports: But from the start of Curtis' trouble — when he awoke in Spokane's fanciest hotel after a night of sex with a man known in some circles as "Stallion" who said he had left with Curtis' wallet and explicit photos of the legislator — he was hoping to control the damage to his reputation and his marriage. Curtis didn't call the Spokane cops. Instead, he called a friend in the Washington State Patrol on the other side of the mountains because, a police report says, he worried "the local police would talk and it would get out to the press."

(for those not familiar with "stallion" that's him up top, on the right!!! HOTTIE!)

This newest anti-gay gay just makes the following cartoon all the more funny....and true (click on picture to enlarge).

credit for the cartoon goes to salon.com
By the way, it's entirely possible I missed an anti-gay gay, feel free to add.

We Might Be Liberals, We Might Be Conservatives, But I Bet We Can All Agree on the WBC

2007-10-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

It is a sweet sweet day and not just because I accidentally ate 95 fun-size snickers bars playing "piece for me, piece for them" while giving out candy to trick-or-treaters. It is a sweet day because a federal jury in Maryland has ordered the Westboro Baptist "Church" to pay $10.9 Million in damages to the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder whose funeral the "church" protested. Snyder was killed in Iraq in 2006 and the jury agreed with the family that the protesting of their son's funeral by Fred Phelps et al. violated their right to privacy and caused emotional distress. The WBC is notorious for protesting anything they can in support of their belief that anything bad that happens in the US or to Americans is because of America's "tolerance for homosexuals". Although they have picketed dozens of military funerals, this is the first lawsuit to be settled against the group. I imagine it won't be the last.

The Snyder family lawyer told the jury that they should award the family an amount "that says don't do this in Maryland again. Do not bring your circus of hate to Maryland again". I think $10.9 million is a pretty good number, but I can't imagine they'll be able to come up with the cash. I highly doubt any of them are able to fit earning an honest living into their busy schedule of protesting the funerals of America's heroes and "hating fags".

My Sign Was A Bad Choice....Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T22:01:00.001-04:00

So I had a great idea to save money this Halloween. I would make a sign that said "No Candy", hang it in my (parent's) window, turn out the lights and wait for the stream of disappointed kids to pass my house. Turns out that was a bad call since in Maryland, the "No Candy" sign is what registered sex offenders have to hang on their doors to keep the kiddies away. Good thing my parents had already bought some candy so we could avoid an uncomfortable and embarassing situation with the neighbors.

For more information on how some states combat "Strangers With Candy" on the holiday made to facilitate children taking candy from strangers, click here.

Pickle Tosser Gets Probation

2007-10-30T21:13:00.001-04:00

Good News! Bobby Lee Bolen got probation! Who is Bobby Lee Bolen you may ask? Very good question my smart friend. Bobby Lee Bolen is the Buchanan, MI man who was just hanging out at his buddy Jody Lee's house when things went terribly wrong. Bobby Lee went to the fridge to help himself to some pickles. Jody told him to lay off the pickles because he couldn't afford to feed anyone and everyone who wanted some pickles from his fridge. The men had a verbal altercation. Bobby Lee stormed out of the house. Jody contemplated their friendship. Bobby Lee stormed back in, tossed Jody down on the couch and threw 2 large pickles at him shouting "Here's your damn pickles!" Police say that alcohol played a role in the incident.

Bobby Lee was charged with assault but has escaped with just a year of probation. I just thought it was good news that you might want to hear, you know, in case you are keeping a list of things you can hurl at your ex-friends without getting jail time.

God Bless America! (My God, Not Yours)

2007-10-25T22:55:00.000-04:00

The residents of the quiet town of Walkersville, MD, have found themselves at the center of a now widely publicized controversy. A Muslim group, the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community USA, based in Silver Spring, MD, would like to buy 224-acres of land to build a mosque and meeting center in Walkersville. The plan met so much resistance from the local community that a town commissioner drafted a zoning amendment that would prohibit the building of places of worship, schools and private clubs on land zoned for agriculture.

In an attempt to win over the community, the group’s leaders have gone door to door talking to residents. In an interview, Syed Ahmad, a Federal economist who is working on the Walkersville project for the group spoke of the understanding he has for the town’s apprehension, ''They hear 'Muslims,' and they don't know anything beyond that. To me, it's natural until they get a chance to ask questions what our beliefs are -- and then they realize these are good people.''

Over 200 people showed up to the town hall meeting to support the amendment that would keep the group from going forward with their plans to build. The group says they will not go where they are not wanted. One resident spoke for his community saying, “We don’t know too much about these Muslims, but we know they did 9/11 and we’re kind of not sure they’re the right kind of people for our community”.

The really ironic part is that Ahmadiyya Muslims have been, and in some parts of the world continue to be, severely persecuted by OTHER MUSLIMS because of their belief that there was another prophet who came after Muhammad.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this one. In general at the GTB, we try to keep things hilarious or at least fired up, but this just makes me sad. Not angry, not surprised, just sad and frankly disappointed. This is where America is today. It is 2007 and it is ok for 200 people to attend a town hall meeting where they don’t feel the slightest pressure to veil their bigotry, no need to hide the fact that they are gathered there specifically to discriminate against a particular group based solely on that group’s religion, and no moment of pause to consider if their words or actions towards their fellow human beings are right or fair or just. Probably not really the direction our Forefathers were aiming for.

It has only been 6 years since 9/11. Americans are still healing and that part will take time, probably longer than I'll be around, but I can't imagine that a path paved with bigotry and intolerance is the best way to get there.

I am disheartened, but since this is the GOOD Times Blog, I’m going to buck up and suggest we play a game of “How far can YOU paint with a broad brushstroke of prejudice?” What group HASN’T had some bad ideas or some bad eggs (think the Crusades or the Trail of Tears or the KKK)? I’ll start! If all Muslims are terrorists, all white males are serial killers and all Catholics are child molesters. Wait, I’m Catholic! I seem to have gotten some of that paint on myself. I guess that’s what they mean by that thing about glass houses.

HOT TIPS!

2007-10-23T19:51:00.000-04:00

For all you St. Mary's College of Maryland, The Maryland Alternative, Alums out there, big news from Down County...the Maryland State Highway Administration installed the very first traffic roundabout in St. Mary's County at the end of last summer! So far, the traffic roundabout has prevented accidents, but County residents have had trouble dealing with the change. Some drivers have been seen cutting through parking lots to avoid the circle or have stopped driving the roads that intersect (Rts. 234 & 238 all together) altogether. In the words of the clerk at the liquor store that faces the new roundabout, "If you just watch, someone will do something." Isn't that true for LOTS of things in the County? Thanks to Jackie for the tip!

Travel & Leisure Magazine just released its list of "America's Favorite Cities" for 2007. Wondering where D.C. ranks? Well, we are #1 for "worldly and nurturing an international culture"! That's the good news. We rank in the bottom 5 for "friendliness", "fun", "style", and "attractive people". What more can you expect from the city where Congress lives. Thanks to Carrie for the tip!

And last but not least...

Everyone's favorite A-hole, Judge Roy L. "I'm Suin' my Dry Cleaner for $54 million and My One Hope Seems To Be That I Ruin Their Lives" Pearson, Jr. is most likely going to lose his job. I say most likely because the The Commission on Selection and Tenure of Administrative Law Judges hasn't told Pearson yet. We'll let you know when it is official so you can go out and hug your dry cleaner. Thanks to Cara for the tip!

2008 Presidential Election Decided Today in 2007

2007-10-22T20:28:00.000-04:00

The 2008 Presidential election was decided today when the world's toughest BADASS Chuck Norris announced who he would support in the race for the World's 2nd Most Powerful Office (the 1st Most Powerful Office is, quite obviously, The Office of Being Chuck Norris). So the winner of the White House is...

Mike Huckabee

Wait a minute, uh, um, uh, Mike Huckabee is a Republican. This can't be right. Let me check again. Wait, what'd you say? Chuck Norris is a conservative? Chuck Norris WRITES a conservative column for WorldNetDaily? No. This is impossible. We covered this already on the GTB? Twice? Really? I just don't believe it. Chuck Norris is the biggest KICK ASS borderline Ninja ever to grace American soil. He is rivaled only by The Hoff. Huh? I can't hear you so well. What do you mean The Hoff is a washed up Alcoholic? Rehab? That certainly doesn't sound like something The Hoff would do. The Hoff has no weakeness.

I'm sort of freakin' out. I have no Chuck Norris. I have no The Hoff. I am almost alone. Good thing I still have my 3rd and final hero Dumbledore, with all his infinite wisdom. What? He's gay? I give up.

Bush's Busy Day

2007-10-17T20:57:00.000-04:00

In my free time, I like to read the transcripts from White House press conferences. It is partly because I'm a nerd and partly because Dubya is actually intentionally funny sometimes. If I didn't dislike him so much, I might actually enjoy his company if we ever met at a blackjack table. That aside, something in today's press conference caught my eye...

GWB: Wolffe. (that's Richard Wolffe of Newsweek)
Q: Thank you, sir. A simple question.
GWB: Yes. It may require a simple answer.
Q: What's your definition of the word "torture"?
GWB: Of what?
Q: The word "torture." What's your definition?
GWB: That's defined in U.S. law, and we don't torture.
Q: Can you give me your version of it, sir?
GWB: Whatever the law says.

Why this interests me is that you may remember a little something called Department of Defense Appropriations Act, 2006 (H.R.2863, a.k.a. the McCain Detainee Amendment). You might remember it as the "Detainee Torture Ban". You also might remember that right after he signed the bill, he issued a signing statement giving him pretty broad authority to ignore parts, if not all of it as he sees fit. So you can ask him the definition of torture, and he can tell you that his definition of torture is whatever the law says, but what he won't mention is that he gets to make up the law as he goes along.

The other reason this particular question caught my eye is that a mere 2 hours and 26 minutes later he was awarding the Dalai Lama with Congress' highest civilian honor, the Congressional Gold Medal. In his speech Bush said that in giving this award, "America raises its voice in the call for religious liberty and basic human rights...Today we honor him as a universal symbol of peace and tolerance."

Interesting juxtaposition.

From The GTB Mailbag...

2007-10-15T21:57:00.000-04:00

We got an e-mail tip from a reader that so perfectly summarized the story she was submitting for consideration that we decided to start a whole new GTB feature just so we could post her e-mail in its entirety. Here you go:

Hey Blogsters! I heard about this story on the radio and thought it was worthy of the blog. It’s about the 6 yr old who was hungry and decided to drive himself to Applebee’s. The funniest part is that he thought it was okay to drive but not okay to drive without using his safety seat (which he moved from the back seat up to the front seat).

His parent’s clearly communicated YES to using the safety seat, but forgot to communicate the part about NO to driving underage. -Annie S.

All I can say is, good thing the kid didn't actually make it to Applebee's since Applebee's has been known to let children booze it up. That kid could be doin' time Kiefer Sutherland style!

I Can't Say I Have Missed You Queen of The Harpies

2007-10-12T19:49:00.000-04:00

The Queen of the Harpies has done it again! I've decided to stop calling her by her real name because somewhere there is a QOTH Googleganger that has been buried beneath the hatred and filth that this woman has brought to the world. So henceforth, she will only be known as QOTH.

QOTH was on "The Big Idea" with Donnie Deutsch" on Monday where she informed the host that it would be "alot easier if the Jews converted to Christianity". When Deutsch, a self-proclaimed "practicing Jew" pushed back and said her remarks were anti-Semitic, QOTH did a crappy job of backpedaling by offering the clarification that she only meant that "Christians consider themselves: Perfected Jews".

This is the perfect time to remind our readers of an article that QOTH wrote for the NRO on 9/13/2001. It closed with the following quote:

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war." -QOTH, NRO, 9/13/01

You are right Annie baby, Hitler was a terrible evil man, maybe even the worst man ever. Since I like history, here's a little flashback baby doll:

"Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator - by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord." - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, 1925*

*Thanks to Dave and Carrie for both sending me the tip.

Contrary to What you Might Think...

2007-10-12T10:08:00.000-04:00

Scooter and Lulu are not dead. We have been on the road but should be back to you with more Good Times as soon as today! Don't stop loving us just because we love marathons and our jobs more than you!

Puppies and Rainbows,

Scooter and Lulu

The Other Us

2007-10-02T21:46:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, I have a thing for dopplegangers. I have often wondered what will happen on the day that I meet my own evil (or good for all I know) other self. Will the world implode? Will we be friends? Will he or she also be allergic to mushrooms? I also have to live each day knowing that the laws of physics may prevent me from ever truly getting to know the other me, but maybe there is a consolation prize. GTB, meet the Googleganger.

Googlegangers are the twins you find when you search for yourself on the internet. Curious about what the other LuLus have been up to, I googled myself today with the express purpose of finding my own googleganger. Without revealing my own identity or hers, I will tell you that my googleganger is a middle school track star in Kentucky.

Scooter has several Googlegangers including a 1904 Olympic Medalist (swimming), a pioneer in the "mobile oxygen bar business", a TV Producer, and an MD who majored in Japanese and minored in Chemistry at Brigham Young University.

Tell us about your googleganger in the comments section.

Strange Coincidence

2007-09-27T19:55:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in such a hurry to get to the saucy content of the GTB that you typed our address in wrong? I did once and I stumbled upon something very interesting...THIS. At first, I thought that we had been hacked or booted off the internet completely. Then I realized that I just don't know how to type! At the time, I thought it would be nice to send you all a link to the other Scooter and Lulu, but I when I tried to get back to this magical URL, I couldn't find it.

Lucky for you, a GTB loyal reader also can't type and ended up there as well. She wrote me to ask if I knew the existence of our doppel-site and was able to send me a link to its exact super-secret location.

I think it is pretty fitting that if you transpose just 2 letters in the address of the GTB, you end up at Bible College Online. Both sites teach important moral lessons and trigger thought-provoking discussions. If you accidentally end up there one day, I suggest you spend a few minutes perusing the information provided, because if you ended up there instead of here, I bet it happened for a reason!

Iranian Presidents In New York, Ninjas Robbing Gas Stations in Pennsylvania, What is This Country Coming to?

2007-09-25T20:52:00.000-04:00

I was going to write an awesome post about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and how he is crazy like a fox. My post was going to be based on this "just the tip of the crazy iceberg" quote from his speech at Columbia University yesterday: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it."

Then I realized that the GTB is dedicated to investigatory journalism and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad being crazy is not a hardhitting news report. In fact, it isn't news at all and you and I both know that stories that aren't news, aren't what you come here for.

So I went in search of a story that IS news. That IS crazy. That is exactly the type of story that will shock and inspire our readers. That's when I stumbled upon this story about the gas station in Richland Township, PA that was robbed early Sunday morning by women dressed as ninjas brandishing a samurai sword and a dagger. The bandits made off with lotto tickets and a bag of cigarettes (classy!). The suspects are still at large.

I also suggest you check out this site that tells you how you too can become a ninja. Hopefully not the kind that robs gas stations for smokes and lotto tickets you can never cash in.

Bush, Not an Economist

2007-09-20T20:21:00.001-04:00

Bush gets an "A" in keepin' taxes low, what else does he get an "A" in?

Does Victory Taste Good Roy Pearson?

2007-09-19T20:05:00.001-04:00

Judge Roy Pearson (a.k.a. the ass who made an international joke of himself while proving just how easy it is to hijack the American legal system when he sued his local dry cleaner for $67 million over the matter of a pair of lost pants) finally got a "win" this week. Soo and Jin Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners in Northeast, DC announced this week that they would be closing their store on Bladensburg Road. The couple, who will continue to operate their second store, Happy Cleaners located on 7th street by the DC Convention Center, decided to close the store in the hopes of putting the ordeal behind them. Too bad they still have to face the appeal to the Superior court's decision that Roy "Ass" Pearson filed last month.

God, You've Been Served

2007-09-17T21:33:00.001-04:00

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. Chambers claims that God has "made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." Some might argue that he has a case. I personally wouldn't blame things on God, because I don't think you should mess with the man upstairs, but whether he has a case or not isn't really important. Senator Chambers has filed the lawsuit in a rather misdirected attempt to draw attention to what he calls frivolous lawsuits.

Here's where it gets interesting. Senator Chambers has a very specific complaint. He is angry about a single lawsuit in particular. Is it the one where the people sued McDonald's for making them fat? Nope. Is it the one where the Judge sued the dry cleaners for millions of dollars over a pair of pants? Nope, that's not the one either. Senator Chambers is furious about the rape victim who is suing the judge that barred her from saying rape, victim, sexual assault, assailant, and sexual assault kit from the testimony she gave at the trial of the man who raped her. Thousands of lawsuits to get angry about, and this is the one he picks to make his argument about?!? Really? Since I imagine this won't be the impetus for a sweeping overhaul of the American legal system, I mostly just feel bad for God. This is going to cost him a fortune in legal fees.

*P.S. if you get a minute, google Senator Ernie Chambers. He has done some nutty stuff, but overall, I really like the guy!

Inmates Angry That Warden Hid the Sausage

2007-09-13T21:14:00.000-04:00

Inmates at the Lea County Detention Facility in Hobbs, NM started a borderline riot on Tuesday after being told that henceforth they would be limited to a single serving of sausage with their dinner. The inmates, about 33 of them, set fires, broke toilets, and smashed windows before they were locked down for the night.

Dudes in prison starting a riot over sausage. Yeah, that one is just too easy.

'Nuff Said

2007-09-12T13:56:00.000-04:00

WARNER: I hope in the recesses of your heart that you know that strategy will continue the casualties, stress on our forces, stress on military families, stress on all Americans. Are you able to say at this time, if we continue what you have laid before the Congress, this strategy, that if you continue, you are making America safer?

PETRAEUS: Sir, I believe that this is indeed the best course of action to achieve our objections in Iraq.

WARNER: Does that make America safer?

PETRAEUS: Sir, I don’t know actually. I have not sat down and sorted out in my own mind. What I have focused on and been riveted on is how to accomplish the mission of the Multinational Force in Iraq.
---

So the top commander in Iraq doesn't know if we are safer because of this war? Someone forgot their talking points!

That's an Actual Job?!?

2007-09-11T20:24:00.000-04:00

InTouch Weekly is reporting that after his alleged suicide attempt Owen Wilson's family and friends were demanding that he head straight to rehab. Wilson doesn't think he needs to go and instead has hired a "sober companion" at a cost of $750 a day.

You mean to tell me that there are people who get paid $750 a day to not be drunk or high on drugs? Has Hollywood really gone so nuts that if you want to be around someone who isn't coked out you have to pay them $274,000 a year? I could understand if you had to say, keep Britney out of the Taco Bell or keep Senator Craig out of the Men's bathroom, but if all you have to do is keep yourself not intoxicated, yeah, that sounds pretty much like a cake walk. Where do I sign up? I'm available for sober companionship 9-5 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and every other Thursday.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's an Illegally Transported Nuclear Warhead

2007-09-05T20:03:00.000-04:00

The US Air Force accidentally flew six nuclear warheads from North Dakota to Louisiana last Thursday unbeknownst to anyone on the B-52 bomber that was carrying the weapons. The mistake prompted an internal investigation into the handling of nuclear weapons by the US Military. Since the Cold War, the US has been obligated under treaty to NOT transport nuclear weapons by air.

So it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it turns out this is a huge SNAFU. I guess I should have realized that, you know since sometimes we execute leaders of countries that we think MIGHT have these types of weapons. Good thing we are the US and can be all willy nilly with our nukes. Imagine how internationally screwed we'd be if we were North Korea! Phew! Being hypocritical feels pretty ok when we do something stupid like this!

*Thanks to Gris Gris for the tip!

Could it Possibly be True???

2007-09-04T21:00:00.000-04:00

A woman in Cuero, Texas is claiming that she and her neighbors have found the bodies of 3 CHUPACABRAS. For those of you who live under a rock, the Chupacabra (a.k.a. the Mexican Goat Sucker) is a creature that has been known to stalk and kill goats, cows, sheep, children, etc. by draining then drinking their blood. Most often spotted in Latin America, the Chupacabra has also made appearances in North America, once as far north as Maine! The very best physical description I could find for the Chupacabra comes from Wikipedia:

The most common description of Chupacabra is a lizard-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. In at least one sighting, the creature hopped 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue protruding from it, large fangs, and is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind. When it screeches, some reports note that the chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red, then give the witnesses nausea. For some witnesses, it was seen with bat-like wings.

This description not only reiterates for me that the Chupacabra is by far the coolest animal on earth, but it also makes me think that the Chupacabra is actually Ann Coulter.

The Cuero, Texas residents will send the head of one of the beasts for genetic testing in hopes of determining its lineage. In the meantime, they are selling T-shirts that say "2007 Summer of the Chupacabra". There is a reward to anyone who figures out how I can get my hands on one of these shirts!

Congratulations America! You're the Winner!

2007-08-29T19:54:00.001-04:00

A little good news for the US today. We have taken the top spot in a very important competition! According to the 2007 Small Arms Survey conducted by the Graduate Institute for International Studies in Geneva, Switzerland, the United States is the most heavily armed country in the entire world! With about 90 guns for every 100 citizens, the United States beat out India, which took 2nd place at 4 guns per 100 people and our archrival CHINA which had only 3 guns per 100 people.

Congratulations to the US for having a higher per capita rate of gun ownership than health care coverage!

Denial...Not Just a River In Egypt

2007-08-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

For awhile now I have been concerned that maybe our president is back on the coke. What with the denial and the delusion about Iraq and his ever-plummeting approval ratings, how could he possibly remain so upbeat and optimistic? Must be drugs! But then I saw this article and it turns out that it isn't the drugs, it is the manual that directs Bush staffers on how to stifle protestors and keep them out of the line of site of the President that has the Dubya believing that he is doing a really great job as leader of the free world! He thinks things are great because his staff has written instructions on the most effective way to squelch dissent. It is actually rather brilliant but it reminds me just a little of that time that Kim Jong Il scored 11 holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Iraq is like Vietnam, But it's Also Not!

2007-08-22T16:09:00.000-04:00

April 2004 prime time press conference:
"REPORTER: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. President, April is turning into the deadliest month in Iraq since the fall of Baghdad, and some people are comparing Iraq to Vietnam and talking about a quagmire. Polls show that support for your policy is declining and that fewer than half Americans now support it. What does that say to you and how do you answer the Vietnam comparison?

THE PRESIDENT: I think the analogy is false. I also happen to think that analogy sends the wrong message to our troops, and sends the wrong message to the enemy. Look, this is hard work. It's hard to advance freedom in a country that has been strangled by tyranny. And, yet, we must stay the course, because the end result is in our nation's interest."

Oh, ok. I get it. Iraq is not like Vietnam. In fact even making the comparison is bad for the troops. This is just typical liberal troop hating left-wing media garbage. Fair enough.

But wait a minute.

August 22, 2007 Speech to the veterans of foreign war:
"Finally, there was Vietnam. This is a complex and painful subject for many Americans, and the tragedy of Vietnam is too large to be contained in one speech. So I will limit myself to one argument that has particular significance today. Then as now, people argued that the real problem was America’s presence and that if we would just withdraw, the killing would end.”

So when it doesn't help to serve his agenda Iraq is nothing like Vietnam. But when it does, let the comparisons roll!

What was that word the righties kept throwing at John Kerry? Man, I wish i could remember it.....Oh right. Flip Flopper.

**Side Note: This isn't really surprising seeing as Bush has compared Iraq to pretty much every other war including: the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, World War I, World War II, and Korea! My only question for Mr. Bush is where is the comparison to the Barbary Wars where the U.S. bravely fought Morocco, Algiers, Tunis, and Tripoli. Most likely because this war involved pirates. Yes, real bona fide pirates.

Michael Vick has No Decency...and Terrible Taste In Footwear

2007-08-21T19:55:00.000-04:00

Did you spend your day wondering how a man who has admitted to murdering dogs might spend less than a year in prison? Did you spend your morning pondering how you would feel if that same man got out of prison for said dog murdering and was welcomed back to play professional football for the NFL? Did you waste your whole afternoon hoping that dog murderers are treated the same way that child molesters are in the clink? I sure did. If you did too, here is another reason to hate Michael Vick. Not only is he a terrible human being, he sells HIDEOUS shoes. I highly recommend this video. The best part is when he talks about how much he loves dogs.

*Thanks to Julie for the tip.

And You Thought We Had a Gambling Problem!

2007-08-20T21:30:00.001-04:00

Here at the GTB we often joke that we have a gambling problem. Turns out that our occasional enjoyment of a little game called blackjack is NOTHIN’. A gambler at Caesar’s Indiana casino got a rather wet welcome when he took a seat that had opened up in front of a slot machine and realized that the chair was soaked in urine. Apparently, the woman who was sitting there before him hadn’t wanted to leave the “hot” machine to use the restroom and had simply urinated on the seat. The gambler, Floyd Kibiloski of Fern Creek, Kentucky, says the casino staff didn’t offer him very much help when he complained about the incident and that he had to go out to his car to change into a pair of dirty sweatpants before he could continue gambling.

The best part about this story is what the representative from the Nevada Council on Problem Gaming had to say about the incident:

Gamblers who become addicted can enter a trancelike state where even basic hygiene habits are ignored. Their reasoning is so impaired by the addiction that they may go for hours and days without eating or showering. Gamblers have told counselors that they wore adult diapers or relieved themselves to keep from losing their seat at a slot machine where they expected the machine to pay off.

So yeah, maybe we like to gamble a little bit, but neither of us has ever urinated at a slot machine (as far as we can remember).

More Trouble for Michael Vick

2007-08-15T20:35:00.000-04:00

If you thought Michael Vick was in trouble before, then you will think he is absolutely screwed now! An South Carolina inmate has filed a "$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar" complaint against him. The inmate claims that Michael:

Stole his dogs to use in dog fights
Sold the dogs on EBay when he was done with them
Used the money from the EBay sale to purchase missiles from Iran
Stole the inmate's identity and used his information to get a store credit card from PetSmart to buy dog food for the animals involved in his dogfighting ring
Used drugs in a school zone

These are just the highlights. He did a bunch of other stuff too. The inmate also requested that Michael Vick stop "physically hurting (his) feelings and dashing (his) hopes”.

You can read the entire handwritten complaint, here. Trust me when I tell you that it is worth a minute of your time.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

2007-08-13T21:20:00.001-04:00

Karl Rove has resigned. Far be it from me to pass judgment, we'll let history take care of that dirty work.

Post your favorite Rovements in the comments section!

And as if today could get any more awesome...in Estonia, a blind man was caught drunk driving for the SECOND TIME today. The man had 3 passengers in his car giving him direction at the time of his arrest. God Bless Estonia, wherever it may be.*

*Thanks to Dave for the tip!

My Mom Says This Blog Is too Negative

2007-08-07T21:43:00.001-04:00

So in her honor I decided to post this incredible story about the 8-ft. tall lego man that washed up on the shores of the Zandvoort resort in Amsterdam. The workers at a drink stall on the beach saw the lego man bobbing in the sea and rescued him. He now stands guard at the drink stall.

Please note the incredibly deep sentiment on his shirt.

Best story I've heard in a long time. Ain't nothin' negative about an 8 foot tall lego man being rescued from the sea.

Anybody seen Those Guns?

2007-08-06T20:04:00.000-04:00

According to a new report from the U.S. Government Accountability Office, (ha ha ha! Who would have guessed we have one of these?!? They must have buried it down in the basement of the State Department next to the Unicorn Tracking Office for the last 7 years!) it seems that the Pentagon cannot account for 190,000 weapons distributed to Iraqi Security forces. Mostly AK-47's and pistols, the unaccounted for weapons represent about 30% of the weapons distributed to the Iraqi Security forces and the Pentagon concedes that some of those missing weapons have probably fallen into the hands of insurgents and are probably being used against U.S. troops.

So, I hate to say I told you so...but I told you so. Wait, now that I think about it, I actually told you so twice. Let me check...Yep! I did tell you so twice. I told you, HERE when the U.S. decided to arm the Sunni insurgents and HERE when they announced they were going to sell billions of dollars worth of weapons to our various Middle Eastern allies, that the U.S. really has very little ability to keep track of guns after they give them out. I guess if we keep giving them out because once everyone has a weapon, peace will surely follow.

Maybe the guns are with the moon tapes!

Congratulations Duggar Family!

2007-08-03T09:17:00.001-04:00

As many of you know...I LOVE the Duggar Family! If you don't know what I'm talking about, just watch any of the Discovery Channel Channels and sometimes TLC and you will meet a family like no other. A family with 16 children...well, until Wednesday when the Duggar family welcomed their 17th child, a daughter named Jennifer Danielle! Jennifer was welcomed into the world by her siblings, Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, almost 2.

If you have never caught one of the Duggar's many TV specials, I highly recommend them. They are usually chocked full of tasty recipes and wholesome family fun.

Congratulations to the Duggar family! I didn't even know they were expecting!

They're Livin' in a Powder Keg and We're Sellin' Them Sparks

2007-07-30T22:01:00.001-04:00

In a brilliant strategic move towards the lofty goal of peace in the Middle East, the Bush Administration unveiled its plans to sell $20 billion worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain and Oman. The drive behind the move to arm the countries that are considered U.S. allies in the Middle East is the growing military capabilities of Iran. Secretary of State Condi Rice even went so far as to say that "There isn't a doubt that Iran constitutes the single most important single-country strategic challenge to the United States and to the kind of the Middle East that we want to see".

Wow! It sounds like Iran is a real problem. I guess it is too bad that we blew our wad in Iraq and are now pretty much powerless to do anything to stop them. Oh wait! I know what we could do...get Iran's enemies to PAY us for weapons! We could actually make money off of the Middle East's descent into complete chaos! Brilliant idea since we have such an awesome history of being able to keep track of weapons after we sell them to other countries. I hope that Condi gets somebody to pinky swear that they won't use those weapons on us!

Oh...And isn't Saudi Arabia funding the Sunni insurgents and refusing to cooperate with the new Iraqi government? I guess it doesn't matter since we have also started arming the Sunni insurgents ... oh and since the Iraqi government is on vacation it doesn't really matter if Saudi Arabia won't cooperate with them.

DOUBLE BONUS ROUND: How many 9/11 Hijackers were from Saudi Arabia? How many names on the current FBI most wanted Terrorist List are from one of these 6 countries?

TRIPLE BONUS: Anyone know what awesome ballad I stole the title of this post from?

GTB PSA #4: Grape Stomping Idiot

2007-07-26T19:22:00.000-04:00

While investigating the latest NASAster (that's a NASA Disaster...it happens so often that I thought we should give it a name! This week's is the discovery that NASA let some drunk astronauts onto shuttle flights), I came across the clip of Beyonce falling down the stairs at her concert. I immediately called my sister out to watch it with me because it is AMAZING (click here soon...Beyonce is out to have every copy taken down). As we finished watching the Beyonce video, we both realized that there is only one video funnier than Beyonce going ass over tea kettle down a set of stairs, it is our favorite internet fall video of all time, GRAPE STOMPING IDIOT. That isn't the actual name, but if you google that, this video comes up. I highly recommend that you bookmark it because it maintains a full saturation of 100% hilarity every single time you watch it. Enjoy!

Sorry! Wrong Number!

2007-07-24T21:45:00.001-04:00

Sometimes people make typos. If you read this blog, you know that sometimes even we make typos and we are totally awesome. Mistakes happen, right? Well, one typo is causing terrible distress to victims of sexual assault in the great state of Florida.

It was discovered this week that the phone number listed in both the phone book and on the Florida Attorney General's website for the North Central Florida Sexual Assault Center was actually the number for phone sex line. Callers in search of help to deal with their sexual assaults were instead greeted by pornographic recordings.

The Attorney General's office could not explain how the error had occurred and has promised to have the error corrected immediately.

Sorry Katrina Destroyed your House...Can We Offer you a Carcinogenic Trailer?

2007-07-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

In a borderline unbelievable turn of events, Democrats and Republicans on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee actually agree on something! (I'll give you a minute to sit down). What is it that they are mutually infuriated about? Dangerous levels of potentially carcinogenic formaldehyde in FEMA trailers occupied by victims of Hurricane Katrina.

In hearings today before the HOGRC it came to light that FEMA had received hundreds of complaints from trailer residents who had either smelled formaldehyde in their homes or had experienced mysterious medical symptoms that they thought might be the result of their interim living situation.

FEMA told the residents to simply "air out" their trailers (hard to do in Louisiana in the summer) and even went so far as to test the formaldehyde levels in one home. The test of the one home they said, showed there was "no ongoing risk."

In today's hearing however, lawmakers were able to get to the root of FEMA's decision to brush aside the problem...their lawyers told them to. In one document, a FEMA lawyer directed the agency to "not initiate any testing until we give the OK. ... Once you get results ... the clock is running on our duty to respond to them." (I'll help you read between the lines "put off testing these people's homes for a potentially dangerous chemical, that may or may not cause cancer, because once the tests show you have a problem, you'll have to clean it up. So buy us some time! Just ignore it.") And so they did. They let people who had already lost everything live in trailers that they knew might be making them sick.

I know, you are thinking "But they tested that one and everything was fine!" Nope, they tested that one and TOLD everyone everything was fine. In reality, the one home they tested (out of hundreds of complaints) had a formaldehyde level of 1.2 parts per million.

Now, FEMA argues that it didn't do anything about the formaldehyde complaints because there is no "concrete agreement" on what level of formaldehyde exposure should be considered dangerous. This is true, different groups have different standards for "dangerous", but unfortunately for FEMA, ALL of those numbers are below 1.2 parts per million. In fact, according to National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, a mere .016 parts per million is the point where they suggest workers with 8 hour-a-day exposure should start wearing a respirator. Bucket can check my math, but I'm pretty sure that the formaldehyde level in the one home they bothered to test is 75 times higher than the point where they tell workers with 8 hour-a-day exposure to stop breathing the air.

This story reminds me of that Julia Roberts movie where she finds out that the evil corporation has been poisoning the water and giving everyone cancer. Well, that's what it would remind me of if at the end of the movie the evil corporation took over the world. Even more fun to think about is the fact that you paid for those trailers folks! I think I hear Canada calling.

Squirrel Spies Arrested in Iran

2007-07-17T19:13:00.001-04:00

Iranian police have allegedly captured 14 squirrels that they say were involved in a plot to illegally spy on Iran. The squirrels, said to have been captured close to the Iranian border, were equipped with "eavesdropping" devices. The squirrels were taken into custody and at this time, their fate is unknown.

We have been able to find little evidence to support the accuracy of this story, but it does make you wonder...

How paranoid has Iran gotten that they would actually think their enemies would use SQUIRRELS to spy on them? I mean, come on, where would they even get a ridiculous idea like that?

Besides, if the U.S. had sent them, Scooter Libby and Dick Cheney would have already leaked the squirrel spy's identity in an attempt to punish the squirrel spy's husband for telling the world that Iraq wasn't trying to buy yellowcake uranium from Niger.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip!

Virginia is good for two things!*

2007-07-16T13:11:00.000-04:00

Number one: The Trader Joe's in Virginia sell beer and wine (Get on board Maryland).

Number two: Senator Jim Webb

In case anyone missed it, Senator Webb took Senator Lindsey Graham to the toolshed on Sunday during meet the press. And If you are like me you did miss it because....well.....I don't watch meet the press.

This all started because Webb has this INSANE idea that when military men and women return from fighting in Iraq they should get a break before being shipped back out. In other words, if you serve for a year you get a year off. Graham responded to Webb's amendment saying, "This would be the greatest politicization of military action in the history of the country."
Excuse me? The GREATEST? I seriously doubt that.

I think this video highlights the current state of debate. Webb relies on facts, citing a recent New York times poll that shows opposition to the war among military members and families is at a similar level to the American public.

Then you've got Graham who simply repeats over and over that the troops want to win. Nice rebuttal Lindsey, except for one problem: Webb never argued that the troops want to lose!

*of course the GTB is not crapping on all things VA, some of our best friends are Virginians!

Scooter & Lulu Forget Own Birthday

2007-07-11T17:34:00.001-04:00

We have been so busy telling you about secondhand celebrity gossip, Bush Administration Snafus, and strange news from around the world, so engrossed in our pursuit of a career in unpaid investigatory journalism, so dedicated to passing on the hard-hitting and heartwarming stories that keep our fans coming back day after day, that we forgot a very special 1st birthday. What kind of a mother are we?!?

On June 6th, the Good Times Blog turned 1 Year Old! With 238 posts, countless* comments, numerous fights, endless enlightenments, and thousands of laughs, what started out as another one of our bad ideas, has turned into a mission. A mission to educate you on all the things we think you should care about.

Thanks for stickin’ with us for the last 370 days. We hope this year is the first of many!

If you have a favorite memory from our first year, please post it in the comments section.

With love, Lulu & Scooter

*They aren't countless. We're just too lazy to count.

The Bush Administration Cares About Your Health

2007-07-10T20:56:00.000-04:00

Saying that the Bush Administration hates science is like saying, Lindsay Lohan is a drinker or Alberto Gonzales is a liar (well, either a liar or just never reads anything that comes across his desk...even the memos labeled "Huge Violations of Individual American's Civil Liberties as Executed by the FBI Under the Patriot Act"), but this story made me chuckle...then cry.

Dr. Richard Carmona, the Nation's most recent Surgeon General, testified today before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. The story he told of his tenure as "America's Doctor" painted a picture of an Administration that actively strives to put politics before the health of the nation.

Carmona reported that he was "discouraged" from making a speech at the Special Olympics because of the organization's longtime ties to the Kennedy Family. He said that he was "specifically told by a senior person, ‘Why would you want to help those people?’” (the Kennedy family or the Special Olympics Athletes?)

Carmona was also silenced when he raised the suggestion that he could take on the task of educating the public about the use of stem cells in scientific research. He was told that he should "stand down" on the issue and upon review, Bush advisors removed all references to stem cell research from his prepared speeches.

Carmona also noted that while he is a firm believer in comprehensive sex education, he was told to "preach abstinence".

To wrap it up, Carmona summarized:

"The reality is that the 'nation's doctor' has been marginalized and relegated to a position with no independent budget and with supervisors who are political appointees with partisan agendas. Anything that doesn't fit into the political appointees' ideological, theological or political agenda is ignored, marginalized or simply buried. The problem with this approach is that in public health, as in a democracy, there is nothing worse than ignoring science or marginalizing the voice of science for reasons driven by changing political winds. The job of surgeon general is to be the doctor of the nation — not the doctor of a political party."

Dr. Richard Carmona was appointed by President Bush in 2002 and served until 2006.

What's the German word for Nasty?

2007-07-09T18:32:00.001-04:00

In the German town of Kaiserslautern, something really stinks. Residents of an apartment complex called police after the stench of what they assumed was a dead body wafted into their building’s communal hallway. They feared that their neighbor, whose blinds had been closed and mail had been left unclaimed for over a week, was dead in his apartment. When police arrived on the seen and broke into the man’s home, they found him alive and well. The smell coming from his apartment was that of his feet and a pile of laundry.

I’m really not sure how this supports my blind appreciation of German efficiency. On one hand, the good Samaritans who called the police were efficient in recognizing the malodorous-ness of their hallway and contacting authorities to help their neighbor. On the other hand, I would think that in Germany, people wouldn't avoid washing for so long that their neighbors think they are dead. That seems more like something that would happen in New Jersey. Maybe I'm wrong about Germany. I'll keep you posted as I begin my hunt for evidence.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip.

Machete Sales Decline Following Nigerian Election

2007-07-04T18:59:00.000-04:00

The Nigerian General Election ended in April and since its conclusion, Nigeria has seen a 50% drop in the price of machetes, triggered by the strong decline in post-election machete sales. Machetes are most often used in farming, but in Nigeria, they are also the weapon of choice for politician-sponsored thugs and goons. Now that the election is over, machetes just aren’t selling like they used to and the price has dropped from around $6.00 to only $3.00 (US) in just a matter of 3 months. Nigerian merchant, Usman Masi said "Before the conduct of the general elections, I was selling a minimum of seven machetes daily but can hardly sell one a day now”. The drop in machete prices has accompanied a drop in politically motivated killings which topped out at over 200 prior to this year's election.

You know, in Nigeria, around the time of an election, goons buys more machetes so they can slaughter the political competition. Yeah, I’m still kind of thinking that Nigeria might have a better democracy than they U.S. at this point. At least Nigerian politicians stab you in the front.

Pardon Me?

2007-07-02T18:56:00.001-04:00

In a shocking turn of events today, President Bush commuted the 30-Month prison sentence handed down to ex-Cheney aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. As you may remember he was found guilty of lying to federal investigators during the investigation into of the leaking of the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

In a statement released after a federal appeals court decided that Libby would have to begin serving his sentence while awaiting the outcome of further appeals, President Bush noted that while he "respected" the original verdict in the Libby case, he thought it was too harsh, so he changed it (to be read, "didn't respect the jury's decision at all").

I am actually kind of shocked. I really did think that the Administration was going to hang "the other Scooter" out to dry on this one. After all, what good is a fall guy if he doesn't actually take the fall? I guess I was wrong for having faith in the system and for actually believing that someone in this Administration might actually be held accountable for their actions (granted, I don't really think Scooter is to blame for Plame-gate, and he is sort of a Cheney's pawn, but he did LIE in a federal investigation, which is, uh, pretty bad, and he should in fact be held accountable for that). It is like my old friend Dubya used to say "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...uh...you can't get fooled again".

Translating Democracy

2007-06-28T11:02:00.000-04:00

The city of Boston has a problem. According to a 2005 ruling by the US Department of Justice’s Voting Rights Division, Boston must translate all of its election ballots into Chinese in areas with prominent Chinese-speaking populations. The ruling came after it was discovered that in previous elections, poll workers who were assigned with the task of helping Asian Americans to vote, had actually mismarked ballots for these citizens. The translation necessity wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that the candidates names don’t translate very well.

Since there are no exact translations from English to Chinese for names like “Mitt” and “Romney”, translators are working to sound out the names an pick out Chinese characters that sound most like the name in English. This is where the confusion begins. To translate a name to Chinese using characters that merely “sound” like the name, ends up giving you some rather hilarious translations when read in Chinese. To complicate matters further, there are wide variations on what the names can be translated to mean (some translations make one candidate appear less favorable than another) and because there are multiple dialects of Chinese spoken in Boston, the city is anticipating having to translate the candidate’s names to both Mandarin and Cantonese. The city is fighting the ruling in court, saying that they are happy to translate the ballots, but the candidates names must be written in roman letters.

Here are some of the best ways that candidates could appear on the 2008 Chinese Translated Boston Ballots:

Mitt Romney – Sticky Rice or Uncooked Rice
Fred Thompson (of Law & Order, and possible 2008 Presidential Candidate) – Virtue Soup
Tom Menino (Mayor of Boston) – Imbecile, Sun Moon Rainbow Farmer, or Barbarian Mud No Mind of His Own (that’s probably the worst of the bunch)
Barack Obama - Oh Bus Horse

2008 will be incredibly exciting in Uncooked Rice runs against Oh Bus Horse. I cannot wait!

Dick Cheney Does Whatever the &*$! He Wants

2007-06-22T16:19:00.001-04:00

Dick Cheney has decided he just doesn’t have to follow an executive order that requires reporting on how classified information is handled in any "entity within the executive branch that comes into the possession of classified information".

In theory, Cheney’s office should have been reporting what it does with classified information to the Information Security Oversight Office (ISOO), whose sole purpose is to ensure that the Executive Branch takes care in maintaining the integrity and secrecy of said classified information.

Since 2003 (same year that Cheney was given the authority to classify and declassify information...see below), Cheney’s office has refused to comply. They haven’t filed an annual report and they stonewalled attempts for an office visit. In fact, this past year, when the ISOO really started to put the hard press on Cheney’s office to file their missing reports, Cheney’s staff suggested that the ISOO be abolished all together (who really needs checks and balances these days anyway!). Cheney argues that since he is not only the Vice President, but also the President of the Senate, he is not governed by rules that apply to the Executive Branch, or seemingly any rules or laws at all for that matter.

The really funny thing is that the order that established the ISOO and requires this kind of reporting, is also the order that gave the Vice President the authority to classify and declassify information in the first place. In 2003, President Bush changed and re-issued an Executive Order first issued in 1995 by Bill Clinton to specifically include the Vice President in the very short list of individuals charged with the authority to classify and declassify information at will. And the VERY BEST part is that the exact line that gives the Vice President the power to determine the classification status of information, also identifies that he can do this ONLY when acting the capacity of a member of the EXECUTIVE BRANCH:

The authority to classify information originally may be exercised only by, (1) the President and, in the performance of executive duties, the Vice President.

Let me break this down for you, Cheney is part of the Executive Branch when he classifies or declassifies information, but apparently he is not part of the Executive Branch when he actually has to answer to somebody about what he has done with that power.

I would love to go visit Cheney’s office one day. I bet he uses classified documents as scratch paper. The report would be easy enough to write. Here, I'll do it for him:

Classified Information: Hid it from Congress or Leaked it.

Done and done.

New Zealand: Not as Cool as Everybody Thinks

2007-06-21T18:20:00.000-04:00

I bet you think New Zealand is so cool, but I bet this will make you think differently. A New Zealand couple has been denied their request to name their new son "4Real". The New Zealand Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages told the couple that starting their new baby's name with a number was against the rules.

The couple decided upon the name after seeing their son on an ultrasound and realizing that the baby would soon be a reality. The New Zealand government says they will consider "unusual" baby names on a case-by-case basis. If a decision isn't reached on the legitimacy of the name in the next 30 days, the baby's birth certificate will list his name as "Real".

If a couple wants to ruin their kids life by naming it something crazy, I say let 'em. I mean, doesn't the New Zealand government have a wallaby problem to deal with or something?

Thou Shall Not Drive Recklessly

2007-06-19T18:42:00.000-04:00

In acknowledgement of the shift of the world’s main form of transportation from horses to cars, the Vatican has released a document called the “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”.

The Vatican's Office for Migrants and Itinerant People compiled the document in light of the ever-increasing volume of vehicles on the road worldwide and the correlated increase in incidents of road rage and automobile related deaths. Cardinal Renato Martino who heads the office said in a news conference held for the document’s release, “We know that as a consequence of transgressions and negligence, 1.2 million people die each year on the roads. That's a sad reality, and at the same time, a great challenge for society and the church."

So for all you drivers out there, here they are, the “10 Commandments of Driving” straight from the Vatican:

You shall not kill.
The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
Support the families of accident victims.
Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
Feel responsible toward others.

The document also suggests you pray for a safe journey before you even begin driving and recite the rosary with your passengers to keep your mind free from other distractions.

I have to give the Vatican props for recognizing a current and enormous problem and doing what they can to help. Now if they could just acknowledge that condoms CAN help to stem the spread of HIV, maybe there are another 3 million lives a year that they could help save!

Boozin' Good in the Neighborhood

2007-06-18T19:46:00.000-04:00

A 2-year-old California boy is recovering today after he was accidentally served a margarita while dining out with his family at Applebees. The boy's mother had sent his sippy cup to the bar to be filled with apple juice. When the boy started to make faces and push the cup away, the woman opened the cup to inhale the sweet delicious scent of tequila. The boy later became ill and was taken to the hospital. Applebees has claimed that it was an honest mistake and the result of keeping their margaritas and apple juice in near identical containers behind the bar. Lesson Learned!

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Arm 'Em

2007-06-14T18:27:00.000-04:00

This past week it was confirmed that part of the U.S.'s new war plan for Iraq is to arm the Sunni insurgents and allow them the opportunity to help fight al-Qaeda and other radical insurgent groups that have been terrorizing the region. The move is a rather significant admission that the U.S. is now realizing that, after investing more then $15 billion to build them up, it cannot depend on the unreliable Iraqi military or police.

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to begin so I guess I'll go with a question and answer format. Get excited because today we will all get a little history lesson with our Good Times and hopefully I will answer some questions for those of you who are scratching your heads in confusion.

1.) Aren't the Sunni insurgents "bad"?
Well, technically, yes, they are. Well, were and are. Initially, they were pretty upset about the invasion of their country (more about why they are pissed in a minute), but the U.S. is banking on them being MORE angry about the fact that other radical insurgent groups are blowing up a lot of Iraqis.

2.) But weren't the Sunni insurgents friends with the other radical insurgent groups (a lot of whom are also Sunnis)?
You have a good memory! Yes! They were. Initially, most of the identified insurgent groups in Iraq considered each other allies with a common cause. Now the Sunni insurgents believe that the other insurgent groups are killing far too many Iraqis.

3.) Why were the Sunnis so mad in the first place? Shouldn't ALL Iraqis be mad about the invasion of their country?
Why yes they should, but the Shi'ites are less mad because of L. Paul "Jerry" Bremer.

4.) But who is L. Paul "Jerry" Bremer?
Oh how quickly you forget! In May 2003, Paul Bremer took over as Director of Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance in Iraq (you can laugh here because I bet you didn't even know that was a job, given the state of reconstruction and humanitarian assistance in Iraq). In this capacity, Bremer was in charge of all things civilian. During the year he was in charge, he issued 100 Orders. These orders were "binding instructions or directives to the Iraqi people that create penal consequences or have a direct bearing on the way Iraqis are regulated, including changes to Iraqi law."

Order #1 was the "DE-BA`ATHIFICATION OF IRAQI SOCIETY" which banned all members of Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath party from working in government, education, etc. The Ba'ath party was pretty much all Sunnis and had been in charge for over 20 years meaning that they were also the people who had any knowledge about how to run the country.

Order #2 was the "DISSOLUTION OF ENTITIES WITH ANNEX A" which dissolved the Iraqi military, leaving about 350,000 young Iraqis with military training UNEMPLOYED and ANGRY.

I don't have the room or the energy to subject you to a listing of Paul Bremer's 98 other bad ideas. I do recommend you read them here.

4.) So he ostracized the Ba'ath Party (Sunnis) AND he disbanded the Iraqi Military? Where are you going with this?
Simple. One of the major reasons the new Iraqi Military and Iraqi Police forces are having such a hard time getting on their feet is the lack of experienced officers. There is a lack of experience in the Iraqi government, military, and police because the U.S. either banned the experienced people from participating or fired them all together.

5.) Hmmmm...So the Sunni insurgents have a lot to be angry at the U.S. about. Should we really be giving them guns just because the pinky swear to not use them on us?
No. We shouldn't. They could use them on the al-Qaeda related insurgent groups in Iraq. That could happen. Or they could use them to kill Shiites...or Americans...or other Sunnis. In general with this kind of thing, experience tells us you don't just "throw more guns in the mix".

6.) Experience? Surely we haven't done anything like this before.
Flashback, 1979. It was the year I was born, it was also the year that the Soviets invaded Afghanistan (coincidentally, it was also the year that Saddam Hussein took over in Iraq). After the Soviet invasion of Iraq, the U.S. financed, armed, and trained the mujahideen (in this case, Afghanistani Muslims that comprised the groups that opposed the Soviet occupation; Ronald Reagan called them "freedom fighters"). The mujahideen helped bring about an end to the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan, but the various factions that had united to defeat the Soviets quickly turned on each other. The country descended into civil war and out of that civil war rose the Taliban.

The U.S. proves time and time again that it doesn't learn from its mistakes. Arming one faction in a civil war that we don't understand, in a country that we don't understand, is the worst idea I have heard in a very long time. It might be a worse idea than the gay bomb.

*Thanks to Jenny for the tip!

Who Said There Was No Such Thing as a Bad Idea?

2007-06-12T18:53:00.001-04:00

I would have given this the Tara-ble Idea Award, but I don't think it qualifies since it (unfortunately) never came to fruition.

The Sunshine Project, a military watchdog group based out of Austin, Texas, recently released information it had gathered regarding a U.S. Military proposal from 1994 that suggested one option for a non-lethal weapon that the U.S. could use against its enemies might be a "Gay Bomb". A "Gay Bomb", as it was theorized, would expose the enemy to a chemical/hormone that would make them so full of homosexual lust that they would be incapable of fighting. The proposal originated in a military lab in Ohio and requested $7.5 million to investigate the project. Ultimately the proposal was denied, but not before it made its way to the highest scientific review panel for the U.S. Military.

I don't think we need to spend a dime on this project. All you've gotta do is put some Ecstasy in the water supply, dole out the glow sticks and wine coolers, wait and watch. Everybody knows it is just that easy to "catch Gay".

*Thanks to Dr. Bombay AND Bucket for the tip.

I'm One Step Closer to Not Going to Gitmo

2007-06-11T18:28:00.000-04:00

After years of worrying that someday I'll be sitting at my house, watching Lifetime movies when out of the blue the NSA will show up, handcuff me, haul me off to Gitmo and leave me there to rot without ever telling me what I am charged with, an announcement from the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit will make it easier to sleep tonight.

In a case stemming from the imprisonment of alleged terrorist Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri, who has been jailed at a military facility for 5 years without ever being charged with a crime, the court ruled that the U.S. Government cannot subject citizens or legal residents to indefinite military detention, even if those persons are labeled as enemy combatants.The panel summarized that "the Constitution does not allow the President to order the military to seize civilians residing within the United States and detain them indefinitely without criminal process, and this is so even if he calls them 'enemy combatants.'"

Keep in mind, this doesn't mean that the U.S. can't arrest "enemy combatants" who are U.S. Citizens or Legal residents. They can still do that. They just have to arrest them and guarantee they have the same rights as anyone accused of committing a crime. There has to be "evidence" and "charges" and "lawyers" and "their day in court" and all that good stuff. This is a step in the right direction.

The fact that this ruling took 6 years and will still be appealed is a little sad. If we throw out the Constitution to protect our freedoms from terrorists, what is there left to protect? Yeah, pretty deep I know.

'Jericho' Has Better Fan Base than Scooter Libby

2007-06-06T19:11:00.000-04:00

Fans of the CBS apocalyptic drama 'Jericho' have proven once again that Americans care more about TV than their government.

Our favorite fall guy Scooter Libby was sentenced this week to 30 months in prison for perjury and obstructing justice in a grand jury investigation, taking the brunt of the blame for the Bush Administration’s terrible plan to seek revenge on Joe Wilson (who you may remember from such government reports as “Iraq NOT Seeking to Obtain Yellowcake Uranium from Niger”) by outing his wife Valerie Plame as a CIA Operative.

In a parallel story, 'Jericho' was cancelled by CBS, taking the fall for the network's terrible decision to take great shows and stick months and months of re-runs in the middle of their seasons.

Before the judge handed down sentencing in the Libby case, 150 letters of support were entered into record on Scooter’s behalf. In the meantime, 114,107 people signed an online petition to keep ‘Jericho’ on the air. They then bombarded the CBS offices with thousands of phone calls, letters, and e-mails and sent the studio 50,000 lbs. of peanuts (in reference to some line from the show…don’t know, I don’t watch it. I only read the article because my mom LOVES it). ‘Jericho’ is coming back mid-season next year and the peanuts will be donated to charity. Scooter's fans seemed to only make the judge angry, he will not be returning mid-season or any season coming up anytime soon.

It is sort of sad to see Scooter head off to the slammer. While I think he made some bad decisions, I don’t think he is a terrible guy. I think that this comment from a letter submitted to the court AGAINST Mr. Libby says it all “Due to the crimes for which he was convicted, we may never know of the more substantial criminal activities for which he served as a firewall.”

And since we are here, this is the best quote I’ve read from the “We Puffy Heart Scooter” letters “Sadly I believe that Mr. Libby's premature departure from the Administration has been a major reason for the downward spiral of the situation in Iraq and the consuming mess in which we find ourselves today regarding that country” - Robert D. Blackwill, White House Aide. So THAT’S what went wrong in Iraq! My bad.

*Interesting side note, Dick Cheney did NOT send a letter of support for his good pal Scooter Libby. I guess it is 30 months where Cheney can sleep a little easier knowing that Scooter will be too busy "not getting shived" to call up Nancy Pelosi/Congress/the FBI and start chattin'!

You WILL ENJOY This Festival!

2007-06-05T19:41:00.000-04:00

China is a country that prides itself on the popularity of state sponsored events. He County is no exception. For their upcoming Agricultural fair, the Third Vegetable Exposition, the He County Government ordered "all town and village work units" to issue tickets to their workers in hopes of filling the 30,000 seat venue booked for the fair's opening ceremonies. They also noted that "All items on the program must be warmly welcomed and applauded" by the attendees.

If you want to have a successful state sponsored program, one thing you could choose to do is "strongly encourage" all of your state sponsored workers to come and applaud. It is a logical and obvious solution!

China is going to own us soon. Sigh.

Who's Been Visitin' The Big Bad Wolf?

2007-06-04T19:19:00.000-04:00

A 2006 letter that the Vice President's attorney sent to the U.S. Secret Service surfaced last week. Turns out that Mr. Cheney informed the Secret Service that he and he alone would have "exclusive control" of the log books that track who has visited the him or his staff at either the White House or the Vice Presidential compound. Why would the Vice President be so concerned about everybody knowing who has been swingin' by to chat with him? Well, his attorneys say that the declaration of "exclusive control" serves to "protect the effective functioning of the vice presidency under the Constitution. [Releasing the visitor logs would] impinge on the ability of the OVP to gather information in confidence."

Well and here I was thinking that Dick Cheney didn't care about the rights afforded under the constitution! Silly me. Makes you wonder who's been stoppin' by Dick's place! Leave your guesses in the comments section. Best guess wins a prize!*

*There is no prize. Sorry.

A New Battle for the Teletubbies

2007-05-30T17:05:00.001-04:00

I was going to post about the upcoming "2nd Cold War" that appears to be brewing with Russia, but then I found a story about an even bigger battle facing the Teletubbies, reaffirming their asexuality.

You may remember that about 8 years ago, the late Jerry Falwell raised concerns about the sexual orientation of the huggable and loveable purple teletubby, Tinky Winky. Because of his purpleness, triangle shaped antenna (or whatever that thing is on his head) and his beloved purse, lots of people have questioned which team Tinky Winky plays for. Now Poland is joining the list of groups who are demanding clarification of Tinky Winky's ambiguity.

Poland's Ewa Sowinska, "government-appointed children rights watchdog" has just realized that Tinky Winky is a allegedly a boy and that he definitely carries a handbag. She had vowed to have psychologists investigate the case, until the Polish Parliamentary Speaker, Ludwig Dorn, warned her against turning her department "into a laughing stock".

I'm not completely sure how this keeps coming up. If I were Tinky Winky, I would get on the phone with Ted Haggard. Ted somehow got the world to believe he's straight after he had a 3-year long drug-fueled affair with a male prostitute! I'm sure he can put Tinky Winky in touch with the right people to help "straighten" this out.

Israeli Man Shows Off

2007-05-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

If you have already heard this story somewhere else, you had to know it would show up here on the GTB. This is the kind of story that we live for and I feel the need to share it with those of you who rely solely on the GTB for your news and information.

An Israeli man and his family are safe today after a wild leopard leaped through the window of their home and climbed into bed with them. The man, dressed only in his underwear, wrestled the leopard to the ground and held it pinned down for 20 minutes until help arrived.

So this guy was sleeping in bed with his family and a LEOPARD came through the window and jumped in bed with them. The man then wrestled the leopard to the ground. Yeah, I know I just said that, but it is so unbelievable that I had to say it again.

This sounds like something that happened to me once. Just replace the words "this guy" with the word "I", the words "his family" with "a pizza", the word "leopard" with "hammerhead shark", "them" with "me", "the man" with "I", and finally "wrestled the leopard to the ground" with "restrained the shark, and over time trained it to do my bidding and get me beers."

Simply amazing.

And Another Set of Gay Parents!

2007-05-24T09:32:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Mary Cheney and Heather Poe on the arrival of their son Samuel David! What a strong and biblical name! The 8 lb. 6 oz. baby boy was welcomed into the world at Sibley Hospital on Wednesday. I hope they got a better room than my sister did when she gave birth there.

Gay Flamingos Fulfill Dream of Adopting

2007-05-22T15:44:00.000-04:00

Carlos and Fernando, a gay flamingo couple at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust (WWT) in Slimbridge, England, have been trying to adopt for years. The pair, who have been committed for 6 years, have been known to chase other flamingos away from their nests so that they could have their eggs. Unfortunately, it appeared that the couple would remain childless until a twist of fate brought Carlos and Fernando the family they have dreamed of. Last week, caretakers at WWT found an abandoned egg and decided to give the pair a shot at fatherhood.

Before the team had a chance to give the egg to the couple, it hatched in an incubator. Since flamingo parents usually bond with their chicks as they "talk them through" the process of hatching, the staff carefully taped the chick back inside the egg and brought it to Carlos and Fernando's nest. A short while later, the proud parents were seen "talking" to the chick inside the egg, and then helping it hatch for a second time.

So far things seem to be going well and we wish the family the best of luck as they start their new life together!

Have You Seen This Man?

2007-05-21T14:14:00.001-04:00

My friend Ross and I went to a movie this past Saturday and when we returned to his condo, we saw the flier pictured above hung on his building's communal announcement board. Since none of you will have the opportunity to see this flier, I thought I would pass along the opportunity to earn this reward. The description is...vague and more than a little confusing, but $10 is $10 so keep your eyes peeled for the following:

Looking for a brown skinned black man with naturally blond hair a golden blond color and golden blond colored eyes. He was last seen in a red Avalanche Truck in 2003. Please contact me at email address y1mail@yahoo.com. Please leave your mailing address. If your information leads to the right person I will mail you 10 dollars.

You've Got Poop!

2007-05-18T15:57:00.000-04:00

A man in Minnesota (former home of Brenda and Brandon Walsh) is in trouble for doing what every one of us has thought about doing. He put dog feces in the envelope when he went to mail in his paid parking ticket. The woman who opened the poop letter was hospitalized with a headache and vomiting. The man has been charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and is set to appear in court on June 15th.

I really didn't know this was illegal. Unpleasant, sure, but illegal? Definitely didn't think so. I guess I should have checked the law before I sent that cat poo in with my taxes. Whoopsie!

Debate is No Place for Disagreement!

2007-05-17T13:38:00.000-04:00

Did you happen to check out the most recent republican presidential debate? If you did, standing amidst the usual sorts (McCain, Romney, blah, blah, blah) you might have noticed a man named Ron Paul, and thought to yourself, "who in the world is that?"

Well Ron Paul is the RNC's biggest nightmare right now, that's who he is. He's a nightmare because he doesn't tow the line of republican talking points. Explaining the origin of terrorist against the U.S he attempted to give a rational explanation:

"They attack us because we've been over there. We've been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We've been in the Middle East. I think Reagan was right. We don't understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics. Right now, we're building an embassy in Iraq that is bigger than the Vatican. We're building 14 permanent bases. What would we say here if China was doing this in our country or in the Gulf of Mexico? We would be objecting....I believe the CIA is correct when it warns us about blowback. We overthrew the Iranian government in 1953 and their taking the hostages was the reaction. This dynamic persists and we ignore it at our risk. They’re not attacking us because we’re rich and free, they’re attacking us because we’re over there."

HOW DARE HE? Doesn't he know that Islamo-Fascists hate us because of our FREEDOM! (Ignore the fact that Bin Laden himself has said that attacks on the U.S are because of

American involvement in the Middle East
Palestine
Sanctions on Iraq

Well worry no more, the GOP party is now in full swing doing what it does best, silencing dissent by attempting to bar Ron Paul from future debates. This campaign is being spearheaded by Saul Anuzis, chairman of the Michigan Republican Party. He plans on circulating a petition among Republican National Committee members, debate sponsors and broadcasters to give Paul the boot!

I love it! Barring someone from a DEBATE because they said things you don't agree with! Isn't that the whole point of a debate? Classic.