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Friday, November 30, 2012

Introducing: The While We Were Away Files

During our hiatus, some news did occur, and as the apex of journalism, we thought we ought to clear out or backlog and fill you in.

Item 1: August 26, 2011—Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger

This item came as a shock to us in that it is—and forever will be—the perfect news story. While the August 26, 2011 news cycle was otherwise dominated by debt talks, the archdiocese of Boston outing more diddling priests, and Mitt Romney's surge in the polls, the tale of Percy Foster, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn double, was found dead, partially eaten, and 6 feet (2 metres) deep in a badger sett. Take out any one—or arguably two—of the elements of this story: adult film, dwarves, wild animals, celebrity look-alikes, tiny tents, and you STILL have a bang-up story. Imagine a parallel story with as many amazing facets as this one. Go ahead…

You can't can you?! No surprise there. But, seeing as how this was a british tabloid story, some major details of this story remain unresolved: how did someone know to look 6 feet down in the badget sett? is "sett" the british word for "hole"? has anyone seen any of Percy Foster's films? and do the british police always have tiny tents on hand for protecting the bodies of tiny, partially-eaten, celebrity look-alike adult film stars?

These questions and other details will hopefully be relayed to us through the news web. Until then, we'll keep you abreast of any twists and turns in this story.

–Cub Reporter

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