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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Come On, Everyone Knows that Kids LOVE Clowns!

Got a youngster with a birthday coming up? Stumped about what to get the little nugget for his or her big day? Here's an idea for you: pay a scary clown to stalk the kid for 7 days!

Evil Clown Dominic Deville will, presumably for a small fee, follow your child around, send them texts about how they will soon be attacked, leave them creepy phone messages, and notes about how they are being watched. At the end of 7 days, Dominic will ambush your child and slam a birthday cake in his/her face. If the child manages to AVOID the attack he gets to keep the cake as a birthday gift!

Nothing says I love you like the gift of "I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars on your therapy later in life."


Wednesday, April 07, 2010


  • UNITED KINGDOM -- Two women were arrested for trying to smuggle the corpse of their dead relative onto a flight to Berlin. The women put the 91-year old man in a wheelchair, added some sunglasses and tried to board. They were arrested on charges of "suspicion of failure to give notification of death". Who even knew that was a crime...and who even knew there are people who watch Weekend at Bernie's and think "that is a good idea." I guess it IS possible they saw Weekend at Bernie's II.

  • SAN DIEGO, CA -- Drunk Man Steals Ambulance, Leads Slow Chase...I just liked the article title which really tells the whole story.

  • FULTON, MS -- I was going to award this story the Tara-ble Idea Award, but I decided that award is more for sheer stupidity as opposed to a total lack of human decency. Parents and students at a High School in Fulton, Mississippi threw a fake prom to avoid having to include a lesbian couple and a group of students with learning disabilities. Yeah, that just happened. To top this doozy with a cherry, they don't seem to see anything wrong with that. Wow.

  • I DON'T KNOW...KENTUCKY??-- To clean the fake prom nasty out of our mouths...KFC has confirmed that they will soon deliver to restaurants nationwide...the Double Down (being gamblers, we like the name...and gambling with the stability of our vital organs!). What is it you might ask? Besides being amazing it is "two slabs of fried chicken holding together two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce". If you can't picture it, it is a bacon and cheese sandwich where the bun has been replaced with fried chicken. The Nutritional info is actually, not as bad as one would expect...540 calories, 32 grams of fat.

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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Stellar Economic Advice from All-American Crooner Pat Boone

These are tough economic times and here at the GTB we have been wondering, what we can do to better follow biblical economic principles. Luckily, back in 2006 when investigating a story about Pat Robertson's ability to leg press 2,000 lbs. and the nutritious shake that allowed him to do so, we went undercover and signed up for the Christian Broadcasting Network's e-Newsletter. Usually, we delete their e-mails and curse this blog for letting them in our inbox, but today, we stopped and read. The subject of the message was: "The Shocking Truth About Money -- PAT BOONE". We love money and we love Pat Boone so we opened it.

What we learned was SHOCKING. America has been defying the bible and Jesus by not investing in gold. Pat Boone assures us that "
Gold is amazing! It's morally-correct money which conserves AND grows wealth liberally." He also offers to send us an audio FAQ about why we should obey God by buying gold and about a company called Swiss America that can help us to do so.

Never in a million years would we have guessed that research for this blog would lead us to Pat Boone and his economic advice. We don't have any money to invest in gold right now because all of our silly liberal money is invested in a foreign wind company, but we have already asked my HR departments if we can henceforth be paid only in precious metals. Jesus will like that and so will Pat Boone.


Monday, April 05, 2010

GTB Ends US Dependence on Foreign Oil with Single Brilliant Idea

Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona is a genius. He had the idea to force inmates in the Tent City Jail in Phoenix to pedal exercise bikes in order to generate the electricity needed to power their televisions. Every minute they pedal generates enough electricity for them to watch one minute of TV. The inmates get both the benefits of exercise and the benefits of TV.

The simple brilliance of this idea got us thinking. There are about 2.3 Million people currently incarcerated (2008, Bureau of Justice Statistics) in the US. They are in prison for 24 hours a day. Let's (generously) knock off 8 of those for sleep, 3 for things that keep people alive (eating, bathroom breaks, etc.) and 30 minutes for things that keep people alive in prison (shiv-making, contraband trading, guard bribing, gang chapter meetings, etc.). That leaves us with 12.5 hours or 750 minutes of wasted time, per prisoner, per day.

I know this is a lot of math, but stay with me. When I put all these numbers into Excel, it tells me that we could dole out approximately 5 minutes of electricity to every American, EVERY DAY if those lazy, crime-committing criminals would pay their debt to society by pedaling aimlessly for hours upon hours daily (we can more than double this if we make people on parole and probation contribute part of their day to this patriotic cause).

That is 5 free minutes for each and every (law-abiding US) citizen to watch TV, mess around with their DVR, make a pot of coffee, or charge their electric car! The other benefit is that it would keep the prisoners out of trouble. There would be very little time for stealing apples from the dining hall to make liquor or stabbing one's cellmate if you are busy "Powering Freedom".

Prisoners can’t even vote. This idea is unstoppable.

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Thursday, April 01, 2010

Triumphant Return of the GTB Mirrors the Triumphant Return of GTB Hero The Hoff

We don't know how we missed this, but we did so here it goes! David Hasselhoff has announced that he will soon begin filming an as yet untitled reality TV Show about his life. Citing “creative unfulfillment” in his position as a judge on the hit series America’s Got Talent, The Hoff has signed a 10-episode deal with A&E to star in a show that chronicles his attempt to break his daughters into the recording industry.

At first we were concerned about the amount of stress that this would place on the GTB’s Musical and Theatrical Muse/Inspiration/Hero given his recent (and let’s be honest here…ongoing) battle with alcoholism. Then we remembered that this is the man who single-handedly unified Germany (and tore down the Berlin Wall using only awesome music and hip gyration) and rescued Hobie (who’s hair now
looks like this by the way) and his love interest from an electric eel using only a defibrillator and his BARE HANDS*. He’ll be fine, but somebody should probably make a note to craft services “No Jack Daniels. No Cheeseburgers.” (We assume you still get a Craft Services Table when you star in a reality show…otherwise, nobody would ever film them).

Congratulations The Hoff. We cannot WAIT to watch!

providing this clip. It is worth every minute you will spend watching it at work. Also a big shout out to Baywatch for naming this episode “Eel Nino” and making it easy to find!

**Thanks to Leslie for the tip!

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