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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

We Might Be Liberals, We Might Be Conservatives, But I Bet We Can All Agree on the WBC

It is a sweet sweet day and not just because I accidentally ate 95 fun-size snickers bars playing "piece for me, piece for them" while giving out candy to trick-or-treaters. It is a sweet day because a federal jury in Maryland has ordered the Westboro Baptist "Church" to pay $10.9 Million in damages to the family of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder whose funeral the "church" protested. Snyder was killed in Iraq in 2006 and the jury agreed with the family that the protesting of their son's funeral by Fred Phelps et al. violated their right to privacy and caused emotional distress. The WBC is notorious for protesting anything they can in support of their belief that anything bad that happens in the US or to Americans is because of America's "tolerance for homosexuals". Although they have picketed dozens of military funerals, this is the first lawsuit to be settled against the group. I imagine it won't be the last.

The Snyder family lawyer told the jury that they should award the family an amount "that says don't do this in Maryland again. Do not bring your circus of hate to Maryland again". I think $10.9 million is a pretty good number, but I can't imagine they'll be able to come up with the cash. I highly doubt any of them are able to fit earning an honest living into their busy schedule of protesting the funerals of America's heroes and "hating fags".


My Sign Was A Bad Choice....Happy Halloween!

So I had a great idea to save money this Halloween. I would make a sign that said "No Candy", hang it in my (parent's) window, turn out the lights and wait for the stream of disappointed kids to pass my house. Turns out that was a bad call since in Maryland, the "No Candy" sign is what registered sex offenders have to hang on their doors to keep the kiddies away. Good thing my parents had already bought some candy so we could avoid an uncomfortable and embarassing situation with the neighbors.

For more information on how some states combat "Strangers W
ith Candy" on the holiday made to facilitate children taking candy from strangers, click here.


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Pickle Tosser Gets Probation

Good News! Bobby Lee Bolen got probation! Who is Bobby Lee Bolen you may ask? Very good question my smart friend. Bobby Lee Bolen is the Buchanan, MI man who was just hanging out at his buddy Jody Lee's house when things went terribly wrong. Bobby Lee went to the fridge to help himself to some pickles. Jody told him to lay off the pickles because he couldn't afford to feed anyone and everyone who wanted some pickles from his fridge. The men had a verbal altercation. Bobby Lee stormed out of the house. Jody contemplated their friendship. Bobby Lee stormed back in, tossed Jody down on the couch and threw 2 large pickles at him shouting "Here's your damn pickles!" Police say that alcohol played a role in the incident.

Bobby Lee was charged with assault but has escaped with just a year of probation. I just thought it was good news that you might want to hear, you know, in case you are keeping a list of things you can hurl at your ex-friends without getting jail time.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

God Bless America! (My God, Not Yours)

The residents of the quiet town of Walkersville, MD, have found themselves at the center of a now widely publicized controversy. A Muslim group, the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community USA, based in Silver Spring, MD, would like to buy 224-acres of land to build a mosque and meeting center in Walkersville. The plan met so much resistance from the local community that a town commissioner drafted a zoning amendment that would prohibit the building of places of worship, schools and private clubs on land zoned for agriculture.

In an attempt to win over the community, the group’s leaders have gone door to door talking to residents. In an interview, Syed Ahmad, a Federal economist who is working on the Walkersville project for the group spoke of the understanding he has for the town’s apprehension, ''They hear 'Muslims,' and they don't know anything beyond that. To me, it's natural until they get a chance to ask questions what our beliefs are -- and then they realize these are good people.''

Over 200 people showed up to the town hall meeting to support the amendment that would keep the group from going forward with their plans to build. The group says they will not go where they are not wanted. One resident spoke for his community saying, “We don’t know too much about these Muslims, but we know they did 9/11 and we’re kind of not sure they’re the right kind of people for our community”.

The really ironic part is that Ahmadiyya Muslims have been, and in some parts of the world continue to be, severely persecuted by OTHER MUSLIMS because of their belief that there was another prophet who came after Muhammad.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this one. In general at the GTB, we try to keep things hilarious or at least fired up, but this just makes me sad. Not angry, not surprised, just sad and frankly disappointed. This is where America is today. It is 2007 and it is ok for 200 people to attend a town hall meeting where they don’t feel the slightest pressure to veil their bigotry, no need to hide the fact that they are gathered there specifically to discriminate against a particular group based solely on that group’s religion, and no moment of pause to consider if their words or actions towards their fellow human beings are right or fair or just. Probably not really the direction our Forefathers were aiming for.

It has only been 6 years since 9/11. Americans are still healing and that part will take time, probably longer than I'll be around, but I can't imagine that a path paved with bigotry and intolerance is the best way to get there.

I am disheartened, but since this is the GOOD Times Blog, I’m going to buck up and suggest we play a game of “How far can YOU paint with a broad brushstroke of prejudice?” What group HASN’T had some bad ideas or some bad eggs (think the Crusades or the Trail of Tears or the KKK)? I’ll start! If all Muslims are terrorists, all white males are serial killers and all Catholics are child molesters. Wait, I’m Catholic! I seem to have gotten some of that paint on myself. I guess that’s what they mean by that thing about glass houses.


Tuesday, October 23, 2007


  • For all you St. Mary's College of Maryland, The Maryland Alternative, Alums out there, big news from Down County...the Maryland State Highway Administration installed the very first traffic roundabout in St. Mary's County at the end of last summer! So far, the traffic roundabout has prevented accidents, but County residents have had trouble dealing with the change. Some drivers have been seen cutting through parking lots to avoid the circle or have stopped driving the roads that intersect (Rts. 234 & 238 all together) altogether. In the words of the clerk at the liquor store that faces the new roundabout, "If you just watch, someone will do something." Isn't that true for LOTS of things in the County? Thanks to Jackie for the tip!
  • Travel & Leisure Magazine just released its list of "America's Favorite Cities" for 2007. Wondering where D.C. ranks? Well, we are #1 for "worldly and nurturing an international culture"! That's the good news. We rank in the bottom 5 for "friendliness", "fun", "style", and "attractive people". What more can you expect from the city where Congress lives. Thanks to Carrie for the tip!
And last but not least...
  • Everyone's favorite A-hole, Judge Roy L. "I'm Suin' my Dry Cleaner for $54 million and My One Hope Seems To Be That I Ruin Their Lives" Pearson, Jr. is most likely going to lose his job. I say most likely because the The Commission on Selection and Tenure of Administrative Law Judges hasn't told Pearson yet. We'll let you know when it is official so you can go out and hug your dry cleaner. Thanks to Cara for the tip!


Monday, October 22, 2007

2008 Presidential Election Decided Today in 2007

The 2008 Presidential election was decided today when the world's toughest BADASS Chuck Norris announced who he would support in the race for the World's 2nd Most Powerful Office (the 1st Most Powerful Office is, quite obviously, The Office of Being Chuck Norris). So the winner of the White House is...

Mike Huckabee

Wait a minute, uh, um, uh, Mike Huckabee is a Republican. This can't be right. Let me check again. Wait, what'd you say? Chuck Norris is a conservative? Chuck Norris WRITES a conservative column for WorldNetDaily? No. This is impossible. We covered this already on the GTB? Twice? Really? I just don't believe it. Chuck Norris is the biggest KICK ASS borderline Ninja ever to grace American soil. He is rivaled only by The Hoff. Huh? I can't hear you so well. What do you mean The Hoff is a washed up Alcoholic? Rehab? That certainly doesn't sound like something The Hoff would do. The Hoff has no weakeness.

I'm sort of freakin' out. I have no Chuck Norris. I have no The Hoff. I am almost alone. Good thing I still have my 3rd and final hero Dumbledore, with all his infinite wisdom. What? He's gay? I give up.

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bush's Busy Day

In my free time, I like to read the transcripts from White House press conferences. It is partly because I'm a nerd and partly because Dubya is actually intentionally funny sometimes. If I didn't dislike him so much, I might actually enjoy his company if we ever met at a blackjack table. That aside, something in today's press conference caught my eye...

GWB: Wolffe. (that's Richard Wolffe of Newsweek)
Q: Thank you, sir. A simple question.
GWB: Yes. It may require a simple answer.
Q: What's your definition of the word "torture"?
GWB: Of what?
Q: The word "torture." What's your definition?
GWB: That's defined in U.S. law, and we don't torture.
Q: Can you give me your version of it, sir?
GWB: Whatever the law says.

Why this interests me is that you may remember a little something called Department of Defense Appropriations Act, 2006 (H.R.2863, a.k.a. the McCain Detainee Amendment). You might remember it as the "Detainee Torture Ban". You also might remember that right after he signed the bill, he issued a signing statement giving him pretty broad authority to ignore parts, if not all of it as he sees fit. So you can ask him the definition of torture, and he can tell you that his definition of torture is whatever the law says, but what he won't mention is that he gets to make up the law as he goes along.

The other reason this particular question caught my eye is that a mere 2 hours and 26 minutes later he was awarding the Dalai Lama with Congress' highest civilian honor, the Congressional Gold Medal. In his speech Bush said that in giving this award, "America raises its voice in the call for religious liberty and basic human rights...Today we honor him as a universal symbol of peace and tolerance."

Interesting juxtaposition.


Monday, October 15, 2007

From The GTB Mailbag...

We got an e-mail tip from a reader that so perfectly summarized the story she was submitting for consideration that we decided to start a whole new GTB feature just so we could post her e-mail in its entirety. Here you go:

Hey Blogsters!
I heard about this story on the radio and thought it was worthy of the blog. Its about the 6 yr old who was hungry and decided to drive himself to Applebees. The funniest part is that he thought it was okay to drive but not okay to drive without using his safety seat (which he moved from the back seat up to the front seat).

His parents clearly communicated YES to using the safety seat, but forgot to communicate the part about NO to driving underage. -Annie S.

All I can say is, good thing the kid didn't actually make it to Applebee's since Applebee's has been known to let children booze it up. That kid could be doin' time Kiefer Sutherland style!


Friday, October 12, 2007

I Can't Say I Have Missed You Queen of The Harpies

The Queen of the Harpies has done it again! I've decided to stop calling her by her real name because somewhere there is a QOTH Googleganger that has been buried beneath the hatred and filth that this woman has brought to the world. So henceforth, she will only be known as QOTH.

QOTH was on "The Big Idea" with Donnie Deutsch" on Monday where she informed the host that it would be "alot easier if the Jews converted to Christianity". When Deutsch, a self-proclaimed "practicing Jew" pushed back and said her remarks were anti-Semitic, QOTH did a crappy job of backpedaling by offering the clarification that she only meant that "Christians consider themselves: Perfected Jews".

This is the perfect time to remind our readers of an article that QOTH wrote for the NRO on 9/13/2001. It closed with the following quote:

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war." -QOTH, NRO, 9/13/01

You are right Annie baby, Hitler was a terrible evil man, maybe even the worst man ever. Since I like history, here's a little flashback baby doll:

"Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator - by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord." - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, 1925*

*Thanks to Dave and Carrie for both sending me the tip.

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Contrary to What you Might Think...

Scooter and Lulu are not dead. We have been on the road but should be back to you with more Good Times as soon as today! Don't stop loving us just because we love marathons and our jobs more than you!

Puppies and Rainbows,

Scooter and Lulu


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The Other Us

As most of you know, I have a thing for dopplegangers. I have often wondered what will happen on the day that I meet my own evil (or good for all I know) other self. Will the world implode? Will we be friends? Will he or she also be allergic to mushrooms? I also have to live each day knowing that the laws of physics may prevent me from ever truly getting to know the other me, but maybe there is a consolation prize. GTB, meet the Googleganger.

Googlegangers are the twins you find when you search for yourself on the internet. Curious about what the other LuLus have been up to, I googled myself today with the express purpose of finding my own googleganger. Without revealing my own identity or hers, I will tell you that my googleganger is a middle school track star in Kentucky.

Scooter has several Googlegangers including a 1904 Olympic Medalist (swimming), a pioneer in the "mobile oxygen bar business", a TV Producer, and an MD who majored in Japanese and minored in Chemistry at Brigham Young University.

Tell us about your googleganger in the comments section.