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Thursday, September 27, 2007

Strange Coincidence

Have you ever been in such a hurry to get to the saucy content of the GTB that you typed our address in wrong? I did once and I stumbled upon something very interesting...THIS. At first, I thought that we had been hacked or booted off the internet completely. Then I realized that I just don't know how to type! At the time, I thought it would be nice to send you all a link to the other Scooter and Lulu, but I when I tried to get back to this magical URL, I couldn't find it.

Lucky for you, a GTB loyal reader also can't type and ended up there as well. She wrote me to ask if I knew the existence of our doppel-site and was able to send me a link to its exact super-secret location.

I think it is pretty fitting that if you transpose just 2 letters in the address of the GTB, you end up at Bible College Online. Both sites teach important moral lessons and trigger thought-provoking discussions. If you accidentally end up there one day, I suggest you spend a few minutes perusing the information provided, because if you ended up there instead of here, I bet it happened for a reason!


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Iranian Presidents In New York, Ninjas Robbing Gas Stations in Pennsylvania, What is This Country Coming to?

I was going to write an awesome post about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and how he is crazy like a fox. My post was going to be based on this "just the tip of the crazy iceberg" quote from his speech at Columbia University yesterday: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it."

Then I realized that the GTB is dedicated to investigatory journalism and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad being crazy is not a hardhitting news report. In fact, it isn't news at all and you and I both know that stories that aren't news, aren't what you come here for.

So I went in search of a story that IS news. That IS crazy. That is exactly the type of story that will shock and inspire our readers. That's when I stumbled upon this story about the gas station in Richland Township, PA that was robbed early Sunday morning by women dressed as ninjas brandishing a samurai sword and a dagger. The bandits made off with lotto tickets and a bag of cigarettes (classy!). The suspects are still at large.

I also suggest you check out this site that tells you how you too can become a ninja. Hopefully not the kind that robs gas stations for smokes and lotto tickets you can never cash in.

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Bush, Not an Economist

Bush gets an "A" in keepin' taxes low, what else does he get an "A" in?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Does Victory Taste Good Roy Pearson?

Judge Roy Pearson (a.k.a. the ass who made an international joke of himself while proving just how easy it is to hijack the American legal system when he sued his local dry cleaner for $67 million over the matter of a pair of lost pants) finally got a "win" this week. Soo and Jin Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners in Northeast, DC announced this week that they would be closing their store on Bladensburg Road. The couple, who will continue to operate their second store, Happy Cleaners located on 7th street by the DC Convention Center, decided to close the store in the hopes of putting the ordeal behind them. Too bad they still have to face the appeal to the Superior court's decision that Roy "Ass" Pearson filed last month.


Monday, September 17, 2007

God, You've Been Served

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. Chambers claims that God has "made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." Some might argue that he has a case. I personally wouldn't blame things on God, because I don't think you should mess with the man upstairs, but whether he has a case or not isn't really important. Senator Chambers has filed the lawsuit in a rather misdirected attempt to draw attention to what he calls frivolous lawsuits.

Here's where it gets interesting. Senator Chambers has a very specific complaint. He is angry about a single lawsuit in particular. Is it the one where the people sued McDonald's for making them fat? Nope. Is it the one where the Judge sued the dry cleaners for millions of dollars over a pair of pants? Nope, that's not the one either. Senator Chambers is furious about the rape victim who is suing the judge that barred her from saying rape, victim, sexual assault, assailant, and sexual assault kit from the testimony she gave at the trial of the man who raped her. Thousands of lawsuits to get angry about, and this is the one he picks to make his argument about?!? Really? Since I imagine this won't be the impetus for a sweeping overhaul of the American legal system, I mostly just feel bad for God. This is going to cost him a fortune in legal fees.

*P.S. if you get a minute, google Senator Ernie Chambers. He has done some nutty stuff, but overall, I really like the guy!


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Inmates Angry That Warden Hid the Sausage

Inmates at the Lea County Detention Facility in Hobbs, NM started a borderline riot on Tuesday after being told that henceforth they would be limited to a single serving of sausage with their dinner. The inmates, about 33 of them, set fires, broke toilets, and smashed windows before they were locked down for the night.

Dudes in prison starting a riot over sausage. Yeah, that one is just too easy.


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

'Nuff Said

WARNER: I hope in the recesses of your heart that you know that strategy will continue the casualties, stress on our forces, stress on military families, stress on all Americans. Are you able to say at this time, if we continue what you have laid before the Congress, this strategy, that if you continue, you are making America safer?

PETRAEUS: Sir, I believe that this is indeed the best course of action to achieve our objections in Iraq.

WARNER: Does that make America safer?

PETRAEUS: Sir, I don’t know actually. I have not sat down and sorted out in my own mind. What I have focused on and been riveted on is how to accomplish the mission of the Multinational Force in Iraq.

So the top commander in Iraq doesn't know if we are safer because of this war? Someone forgot their talking points!


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

That's an Actual Job?!?

InTouch Weekly is reporting that after his alleged suicide attempt Owen Wilson's family and friends were demanding that he head straight to rehab. Wilson doesn't think he needs to go and instead has hired a "sober companion" at a cost of $750 a day.

You mean to tell me that there are people who get paid $750 a day to not be drunk or high on drugs? Has Hollywood really gone so nuts that if you want to be around someone who isn't coked out you have to pay them $274,000 a year? I could understand if you had to say, keep Britney out of the Taco Bell or keep Senator Craig out of the Men's bathroom, but if all you have to do is keep yourself not intoxicated, yeah, that sounds pretty much like a cake walk. Where do I sign up? I'm available for sober companionship 9-5 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and every other Thursday.


Wednesday, September 05, 2007

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's an Illegally Transported Nuclear Warhead

The US Air Force accidentally flew six nuclear warheads from North Dakota to Louisiana last Thursday unbeknownst to anyone on the B-52 bomber that was carrying the weapons. The mistake prompted an internal investigation into the handling of nuclear weapons by the US Military. Since the Cold War, the US has been obligated under treaty to NOT transport nuclear weapons by air.

So it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it turns out this is a huge SNAFU. I guess I should have realized that, you know since sometimes we execute leaders of countries that we think MIGHT have these types of weapons. Good thing we are the US and can be all willy nilly with our nukes. Imagine how internationally screwed we'd be if we were North Korea! Phew! Being hypocritical feels pretty ok when we do something stupid like this!

*Thanks to Gris Gris for the tip!


Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Could it Possibly be True???

A woman in Cuero, Texas is claiming that she and her neighbors have found the bodies of 3 CHUPACABRAS. For those of you who live under a rock, the Chupacabra (a.k.a. the Mexican Goat Sucker) is a creature that has been known to stalk and kill goats, cows, sheep, children, etc. by draining then drinking their blood. Most often spotted in Latin America, the Chupacabra has also made appearances in North America, once as far north as Maine! The very best physical description I could find for the Chupacabra comes from Wikipedia:

The most common description of Chupacabra is a lizard-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. In at least one sighting, the creature hopped 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue protruding from it, large fangs, and is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind. When it screeches, some reports note that the chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red, then give the witnesses nausea. For some witnesses, it was seen with bat-like wings.

This description not only reiterates for me that the Chupacabra is by far the coolest animal on earth, but it also makes me think that the Chupacabra is actually Ann Coulter.

The Cuero, Texas residents will send the head of one of the beasts for genetic testing in hopes of determining its lineage. In the meantime, they are selling T-shirts that say "2007 Summer of the Chupacabra". There is a reward to anyone who figures out how I can get my hands on one of these shirts!

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