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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Never Underestimate the Power of a Strongly Worded Letter

The FBI needs our help (and no, it isn't with designing a better graphic than the one on the left that I obtained off of their website). Somebody has sent dozens of threatening letters to national TV networks (and their local affiliates) that broadcast college sports games. Their grievance is a bit unclear. They seem to be upset over the "exploitation" of college cheerleaders and are also upset that more modestly dressed cheerleaders get more TV air time. Some of the letters have contained a potentially harmful insecticide! Here's an excerpt:

"We are fed up with networks exploiting women in sports coverage. ABC/ESPN exploit collegiate and professional cheer squads in their coverage of football and basketball. They also screw WNBA players and WTA Tennis players. Compare coverage of cheer and dance squads based on their outfits they wear. Compare quality of shots, length of shots and number of shots Pigs park their cameras on us close up, front view, dozens of times each game, yet rarely ever show on TV in this manner, unless squads are wearing sweaters, jackets, under shirts, etc... Watch how they always zoom in on WNBA players shooting free throws then leave at the last second as she starts to shoot, disrupting the flow. Watch on ESPN how they will show women serve, close up, from every angle (side, back) EXCEPT when they zoom in close front, they will leave as she starts to serve, disrupting the flow. We have asked nicely for them to respect us and all women, yet they refuse. They exploit innocent people, so we will too. When they start respecting us, we stop mailing these out." (that last bit is my favorite..."If you don't do as we say, we will keep sending you letters at a cost of $.40 each!" No! Not more strongly worded letters full of potentially harmful insecticide! Anything but that!!)

And another excerpt, just for fun:

"For the past 6-7 years, ESPN and its nationwide networks have exploited cheer/dance teams all across the country. They do this by parking their TV cameras on these women for their own personal entertainment, but only give TV time to squads that wear long sleeved shirts, jackets, sweaters, etc. The squads that don't wear these types of outfits? They get EXPLOITED. For a long time we have warned ESPN the networks and several schools what would happen if this did not change. For the last 6 years, Ohio State cheerleaders have received more TV time than any other Division 1A cheer squad on ESPN, because they wear long sleeved red/white outfits. If they wore sleeveless outfits, they would not get ANY TV time. So, we are fed up with this constant exploitation."

Can anybody tell me what this person is upset about? If I were an FBI profiler (which I'm not), I would guess that this is a scantily clad cheerleader who is sick of hammin' it up for the camera only to have her footage left on the cutting room floor in favor of footage of her more modest counterparts.

Maybe she should spend less time writing letters and more time sewing sleeves onto her cheerleading uniform. I can see a well lit, pink chiffon covered lair where she hammers out letter after letter to ABC before carefully filling them with just a little DDT while she thinks to herself "Bwahahaha! This will give you all cancer in 20 years! That will teach you!"

The FBI is offering a $5,000 reward for the capture of this criminal mastermind. Your tax dollars at work!



Anonymous miremaiden said...

Just a wild guess (all you can do when decoding crazy-speak sometimes), maybe she thinks that the footage of scantily clad ladies is not "left on the cutting room floor," but kept for "personal use," or in the very least, the camera man uses the possibility of putting the girls on TV as an excuse to park himself front and center an ogle them?

4:15 PM

Blogger scooterlulu said...

Hmmmmm...see, that makes sense. Most terribly written strongly worded letter EVER. Maybe you understand because you are the culprit Miremaiden. I'm calling the FBI. -Lulu

4:18 PM

Anonymous thetumtumtree said...

The cadence of the argument kind of reminds me of the time cube guy, at least before he got even more angry.

4:38 PM

Anonymous Jono said...

The FBI is doubtless pursuing this under the guise of a domestic terror organization. But I think I speak for a lot of guys when I say that anyone taking such a strong stance in suppport of MORE scantily-clad cheerleaders on TV is, in truth, a Freedom Fighter.

12:41 PM


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