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Friday, April 27, 2007

Who We Don't Like Today: Judge Roy Pearson

Roy Pearson is an Administrative Law Judge for the District of Columbia Office of Administrative Hearings. He is also suing a local dry cleaner who lost a pair of his pants for $65 MILLION.

Roy Pearson dropped off a pair of pants that he wanted to have altered because they had gotten a little too snug. When he returned to find that the pants were missing, he wrote to the Chung Family, the owners of the Custom Cleaners dry cleaning service on Bladensburg Rd. in the Fort Lincoln section of Washington D.C. and demanded $1,150 to purchase a new suit. Gradually, Pearson's estimation of the damages he had incurred went from $1,150 to $65 Million. This amount includes payment for "mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort", and money for him to rent a car every weekend for the next 10 years since he (quite obviously) can no longer use Custom Cleaners and will now have to drive to have his suits cleaned.

It will cost the Chung family thousands of dollars to defend themselves in court and it will cost you the tax payers thousands of dollars for this idiotic case to be heard. Oh, and the Chungs are pretty sure they found Pearson's pants. He hasn't come by to pick them up. Jackass.

*Thanks to Amanda for the tip.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

Never Underestimate the Power of a Strongly Worded Letter

The FBI needs our help (and no, it isn't with designing a better graphic than the one on the left that I obtained off of their website). Somebody has sent dozens of threatening letters to national TV networks (and their local affiliates) that broadcast college sports games. Their grievance is a bit unclear. They seem to be upset over the "exploitation" of college cheerleaders and are also upset that more modestly dressed cheerleaders get more TV air time. Some of the letters have contained a potentially harmful insecticide! Here's an excerpt:

"We are fed up with networks exploiting women in sports coverage. ABC/ESPN exploit collegiate and professional cheer squads in their coverage of football and basketball. They also screw WNBA players and WTA Tennis players. Compare coverage of cheer and dance squads based on their outfits they wear. Compare quality of shots, length of shots and number of shots Pigs park their cameras on us close up, front view, dozens of times each game, yet rarely ever show on TV in this manner, unless squads are wearing sweaters, jackets, under shirts, etc... Watch how they always zoom in on WNBA players shooting free throws then leave at the last second as she starts to shoot, disrupting the flow. Watch on ESPN how they will show women serve, close up, from every angle (side, back) EXCEPT when they zoom in close front, they will leave as she starts to serve, disrupting the flow. We have asked nicely for them to respect us and all women, yet they refuse. They exploit innocent people, so we will too. When they start respecting us, we stop mailing these out." (that last bit is my favorite..."If you don't do as we say, we will keep sending you letters at a cost of $.40 each!" No! Not more strongly worded letters full of potentially harmful insecticide! Anything but that!!)

And another excerpt, just for fun:

"For the past 6-7 years, ESPN and its nationwide networks have exploited cheer/dance teams all across the country. They do this by parking their TV cameras on these women for their own personal entertainment, but only give TV time to squads that wear long sleeved shirts, jackets, sweaters, etc. The squads that don't wear these types of outfits? They get EXPLOITED. For a long time we have warned ESPN the networks and several schools what would happen if this did not change. For the last 6 years, Ohio State cheerleaders have received more TV time than any other Division 1A cheer squad on ESPN, because they wear long sleeved red/white outfits. If they wore sleeveless outfits, they would not get ANY TV time. So, we are fed up with this constant exploitation."

Can anybody tell me what this person is upset about? If I were an FBI profiler (which I'm not), I would guess that this is a scantily clad cheerleader who is sick of hammin' it up for the camera only to have her footage left on the cutting room floor in favor of footage of her more modest counterparts.

Maybe she should spend less time writing letters and more time sewing sleeves onto her cheerleading uniform. I can see a well lit, pink chiffon covered lair where she hammers out letter after letter to ABC before carefully filling them with just a little DDT while she thinks to herself "Bwahahaha! This will give you all cancer in 20 years! That will teach you!"

The FBI is offering a $5,000 reward for the capture of this criminal mastermind. Your tax dollars at work!


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Second Best Thing to Impeachment

I was going to post an awesome story about Vermont's adoption of a resolution to impeach Team Bush/Cheney. I was going to theorize that when Bush heard the news, he held a press conference where he announced that Vermont was hiding WMD's and that we were going to go to war with them. Then I realized that laughing about those clowns being impeached was hurting my soul because it was a dream that would never be realized. Like when I think about how I'll never be in the Olympics.

So I went in search of something I could write about that would interest you and might be a realistic dream for me. What I came upon was this website where, for the next year or so you can watch a block of British cheddar cheese age, live via the internet. I latched onto this story because A.) Unlike Team Bush/Cheney, this cheese will eventually be eaten alive by the very people who have raised it to its current fame (1 million viewers thus far), and B.) If I can't have TBC booted out of office, I would like to have this cheese named after me. There is a place where you can enter your name suggestion for the famous cheddar. I submitted "LuLu". You should too.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Gonzales is Delusional

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales vowed today to remain in office "as long as [he] can continue to serve effectively."

I'm not really sure how the Attorney General can serve effectively if everybody thinks he is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire. The sad thing is, he didn't even have to be shady about the whole attorney firings mess. It really looks like he didn't do anything wrong (at least initially). He could have been like "Hell yeah I fired those SOB's for political reasons! What are YOU going to do about it CONGRESS??!" The answer would have been "Nothing, we never DO anything. Please collect your complimentary fruit basket on your way out." It is only a matter of time before the Alberto Gonzales Cocktail Party jokes start to surface. Too bad. I liked him when he first started...well, except for that whole "supporting torture" thing.


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

I don't have time to make Tarable Idea Certificates for all of these so here's a run down on all things stupid:
  • Congratulations Deana F. Jarrett, 54, of Redmond, Washington, you are the drunkest driver in the history of the State*! After 2 consecutive car accidents, Jarrett was pulled over by police who administered a breathalyzer test, revealing that her blood alcohol was .47, almost 6 times the legal limit (.08 in WA)! A check of the 356,000 tests on file with the Washington State Police showed that Deana F. Jarrett is in fact the drunkest driver on record! Congratulations Deana, I hope this award helps you woo a pretty girlfriend in prison!
  • Paul White, 38, and Ryan Ogle, 25 of Pomona, California accidentally called the police while trying to send an urgent "911" code to their drug dealer. Police traced the call and dispatched an officer to investigate. When the officer arrived he found White and Ogle waiting patiently for their dealer...with a stolen car full of burglary tools. Genius. (p.s. I really can't believe this has happened twice.)
  • At a campaign event in Summerville, S.C., Republican Presidential hopeful John McCain (who I used to like) answered a question about when the U.S. is going to send an "airmail message to Tehran" with a musical parody! McCain cleverly changed the words of the classic Beach Boys tune "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran" and was greeted with laughter and cheers from the audience. More proof for my theory that America hasn't learned anything in the last 6 years and we are totally going to war with Iran. Sigh.
*Records only available since 1998.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Sie Werden Entleert: That's German for We're Breaking Up

As you have probably learned from reading this blog, Germans are better at everything. This includes break-ups! In the always stunningly efficient Germany, you can hire somebody to dump your significant other. For just 50 euros (that is $68, Bernd Dressler, an economist by trade (multitasking! So classically German! I love it!), will pay a visit to your partner and let them know it is over. No tears, no messy public displays, just a clean break. Most of the break-ups take under 3 minutes! If you would prefer to do the deed yourself, Dressler offers break-up coaching to help you muddle through the sticky situation of telling someone you never want to see them again.

A lot of things that the Germans do would never fly in America because we hate efficiency, but I have a feeling that this might catch on. Who wouldn't pay $68 to avoid getting thrown out of a moving car or hit in the head with a pint glass? Maybe I'm dating the wrong people.

P.S. This is post #201.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

That Was A Close One!

Good thing you all ignored me when I asked for help in the GTB's pursuit to own a Woolly Mammoth. Turns out that A.) it was only a skeleton and B.) it sold for $421,200. What would I do with a woolly mammoth SKELETON? I'd have to buy a ton of cats and spend 12 hours a day shaving them and gluing their fur onto the mammoth bones. The process could take months and that is time I don't have. Once again, you readers were right. Feel free to still buy those t-shirts. I think they are accurate (unless there is a blog out there that DOES own a woolly mammoth, in which case, you should be reading that blog instead of this one).

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Friday, April 13, 2007

I Love You Wolfie!

World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz (who you may remember from such productions as "The Iraq War") is under fire this week after revealing that he was involved in the salary negotiations and eventual promotion of his girlfriend Shaha Riza.

I'm not at all shocked that Paul Wolfowitz went to the World Bank promising to fight corruption and then promptly engaged in corruption, I am however shocked that Wolfie has a girlfriend.

Picture a swanky cocktail party..."My boyfriend drives a Corvette," says a woman in a red dress "Well, my boyfriend orchestrated the invasion of Iraq!" says Shaha Riza. Poor Shaha Riza, your boyfriend loses.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

Can I Borrow Somebody's Credit Card?

Christie's auction house will be selling off a woolly mammoth next week in Paris. I would like to purchase said woolly mammoth but my credit card only has an $8,000 limit. I think it will probably cost more than that.

I don't know what I would use a woolly mammoth for (obviously the Earth didn't know either since they went extinct about 3,500 years ago), but I think it would be cool if the GTB owned one. Besides, if one of you doesn't pony up a credit card or money order to pay for this thing, I'm going to be stuck with 300 t-shirts that say "Does the blog YOU read own a woolly mammoth? I didn't think so."


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I'd Rather Be...Anything

With the creation of the position of War Czar, the Bush Administration is proving that there are jobs that Americans won’t take.

So far, the job of War Czar, the person who would oversee the handling of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (good thing that 5 years in they have decided to put somebody in charge of this! Whole bunch of quick thinkers in this Administration), has been turned down by three of the four-star generals the White House has approached about the possibility of taking the office. Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan was asked to consider the position and told the Washington Post, “The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going. So rather than go over there, develop an ulcer and eventually leave, I said, 'No, thanks'".

I imagine the job posting for War Czar would go something like this:

Most Powerful Branch of Constitution-based Federal Republic with strong democratic tradition, seeks scapegoat to clean up ENORMOUS mess in Middle East. Women, Homosexuals, Nancy Pelosi, Intellectuals, accomplished War Strategists, Pacifists, and Democrats need not apply.

I guess Bush should work a little harder on getting his “Guest Worker Program” passed, since it doesn’t look like he has anyone here who is willing to take the job. Maybe he should skip the four-star generals and go right to the insane (think Katherine Harris, Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Robertson, Sam Brownback, Rick Santorum, etc.). If he can’t find a taker there, there is new potential coming across the border everyday!

Please feel free to list jobs you would take rather than be War Czar in the comments section. Most fantastic suggestion wins the prize of…the position of U.S. War Czar. Hooray!

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Monday, April 09, 2007

Government Keeps Chinese Idol on Tight Leash

"Happy Boys Voice", the second edition of the Chinese version of American Idol is being urged by the Chinese government to "uphold high moral standards". They are urging contestants to choose songs that are "'healthy and ethically inspiring' in order to create a good atmosphere for China's 17th Party Congress, the Communist Party's five-yearly leadership meeting to be held later this year."

The first edition of the show, which was called "Super Girls" and featured all female performers, was criticized because the Chinese Government believed it "preached the wrong concept of instant riches and fame".

Communism, great on paper, poor in practice.*

*Please enjoy this post now. It will be removed when the Chinese finally cash in and take ownership of the U.S. of A. This will probably take place pretty soon.


Friday, April 06, 2007

Sorry For the Mix-up, Please Collect Your Swag at the Gate

The 15 British sailors held captive in Iran for nearly 2 weeks were all set free yesterday and have been reunited with their families in the UK. Speaking today, the sailors told tales of blindfolds, isolation, and "psychological pressure". But all that aside, before they left, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave the sailors gift bags containing "handicrafts, a vase, and Iranian sweets". You don't have to read it twice. You caught it the first time, Iran gave their captives SWAG to take home. "Here's a little memento of that time you were held captive. Thanks for visiting Iran!"

Now, I'm not knockin' it. I think it was fantastic that all parties involved could come to a peaceful resolution of this latest conflict and it got me to thinking about how the U.S. treats its captives. I don't think we give our detainees at Gitmo anything when we send them packin', perhaps because our detainees never get to leave? Oh! Maybe we keep them so long without legal representation or formal charges because we don't have the gift bags ready for when we ship them home! Ah ha! That must be it!

So, as a service to the U.S. Armed Forces, State Department, DOJ, CIA, NSA, etc. how about we use the comments section to come up with a list of appropriate items that should be included in the U.S. "Thanks for Visiting Gitmo" Swag Bag. Keep in mind that U.S. Citizens detained at Gitmo will have to pay taxes on these gifts, so try to think of things with high intrinsic and sentimental value, and low monetary value. And...GO!

*Thanks to Gil for the tip!

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

It's Gross News Thursday!

There are all kinds of gross things going on in the world this week and we think you should know about them:
  • In Beijing, China, a woman was leaning off her 6th floor balcony to hang clothes on the line when she stumbled and fell. Lucky for the woman, her apartment complex was emptying its septic tank and her fall was cushioned by heaping pile of excrement (about 8 inches deep). Thank God in Beijing they empty their septic tanks onto the sidewalk! (???)
  • A dentist in London was convicted of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his ears and fingernails. A hearing is scheduled to decide "whether he should banned from practicing" (doesn't the hearing where they decide that he peed in his surgical sink count as the hearing where they decide if he should stay a dentist?). And here I thought the dentists in Tijuana were bad!
  • This one really takes the cake because it happened right here in the heart of my favorite state, Maryland! A seven-months-pregnant woman from Pasadena is accused of soliciting sex in exchange for money on the popular e-community, Craigslist. With the help and approval of her husband, the woman agreed to have sex (with an undercover cop) in exchange for $300. Maryland, my Maryland.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Keith Richards Makes Bad Choices

Feeling uncomfortable about having your loved one's ashes turned into stunning jewelry? Here's another option for you! Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones admitted in a recent People Magazine article that 5 years ago, he mixed his father's ashes with cocaine and snorted them. The rocker told People, "He was cremated, and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared."

They should have a Hall of Fame for Rock Star bad ideas. They could have a whole exhibit about Michael Jackson's "Slumber Parties" and clumps of Britney's old hair.

*Thanks to Maridith for the tip.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Science to Religion: Can't We All Just Get Along

The good news keeps pouring in. Yesterday the Supreme Court rule that the federal government should (ok, could) enforce greenhouse gas emissions from cars and today there is this article that AIDS has finally been cured.

There is only one minor problem, it hasn't. Climbing 10,000 feet above sea level individuals in Ethiopia with HIV/AIDS have been risking their lives to make it to the remote church of Saint Marys on Mount Entoto in order to receive the miracle cure; holy water.

But in order to seek out this treatment there are a few rules you have to follow. First off, no menstruating women, no women with wigs, and no recent sex. The biggie, the one that really gets my goat as Father Geberemedhen states, "We don't allow patients to take medication if they want to receive holy water". In other words, the one treatment that we all KNOW works must be ceased in order to seek out this miracle cure.

The point here isn't to ridicule or disapprove of those who turn to religion for help and healing. Rather the issue comes with the way in which those who turn to faith are abused, exploited, and misinformed.

Sky News correspondent Ian Woods seems to agree: "It was a scene which reminded me of the holocaust. Naked men, women and children, some of them in chains to prevent them escaping, cower in front of the men in charge in a dimly-lit room in the church of St Mary on Mount Entoto."

Chains? Excuse me? What are they escaping from?

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Good News for the World, Bad News for Me

I like to drive my car to my next door neighbor's house. I enjoy leaving my 18-wheeler running in my driveway overnight, just to keep the cab nice and toasty. I like to leave a pile of old tires and plastic burning in my back yard for years at a time. These are things that I like to do and as an American, it is my right to do them, but that might not be true for long if the evil Supreme Court has its way.

Today the Supreme Court told the Environmental Protection Agency they do have the authority to regulate greenhouse gas emissions. Previously, the EPA has argued that the reason they don't regulate greenhouse gas emissions is that it isn't in their authority to do so. The Supreme Court didn't tell the EPA they HAD to crack down on emissions, they just told them that their argument for not doing so was total BS.

So very soon all the things that I enjoy doing may come to an end. Perhaps to fill my time I will go get a job at the EPA. It sounds like they do a lot of sitting around, staring out the window, and not protecting the environment. It will give me lots of time to write the next great American novel, or even better, this blog!

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