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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Ted Haggard Pronounced "Heterosexual", PHEW!

It has been a tense few months, but you can rest easy, Ted Haggard has been declared "Completely Heterosexual" by a board of four ministers who oversaw his 3 weeks of intense therapy aimed at modifying his behavioral issues. For those who don't remember, Reverend Haggard is the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He resigned last year after a male prostitute named Mike Jones alleged that Haggard had paid him for sex, almost monthly, for the last 3 years. In addition, Jones accused Haggard of methamphetamine abuse. I'm sure you all remember the story, but it is really too good to not tell over and over and over again (kind of like that time Aaron Carter ran over the mattress in his SUV and it caught on fire).

Yesterday, the panel overseeing Haggard's "recovery" released its findings that Haggard is not gay. On the small matter of his involvement with a male prostitute, the panel had this to say:

''He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.'' (Who knew that 90 days was the statute of limitation for 'He's gay' allegations against an evangelical? Mental note.)

I had to read this 8 times, but I think what they are saying is:

"He was only gay when he was actually having sex with that male prostitute every month for 3 years. When he wasn't having sex with that male prostitute, he wasn't gay. If no other men have come forward to say that they have had sex with him, then there are probably no other men, which means that he's not gay. Paying another man for sex monthly for 3 years doesn't make you gay, it just makes you rebellious."

Well, I'm glad we got this sorted out. Haggard and his wife have announced that they both plan to go back to school to pursue Master's degrees in Psychology which will presumably help them both to further investigate Haggard's “acting out" and maybe come to some conclusions about how to prevent further indiscretions.

It is good that Haggard didn’t have an affair with say, another evangelical from his church. If he had, and that man had as much to lose as Haggard did, that guy probably would have never come forward. Then Haggard never would have been exposed and never would have gotten the help he needed. I shudder to think that there might be other men out there who aren’t coming forward and aren’t getting the help that Haggard has, but it has been 90 days so I guess they are in the clear! Phew!*

*Thanks to Jackie and Jenny for the tip!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow - some of those Christians sure have convenient ways of defining sex and sexuality. For example, last night while watching Dirt I learned some neat rules. Turns out it's okay to have sex before marriage if you're only doing it with your minister, who might also be your Dad.

1:07 PM

Anonymous Dr. Bombay said...

Did anyone else see "Friends of God"? Haggard seemed to have a more than passing facination with the men in his church, how many times they did their wives, and how often during said relations their wives climaxed. Creepy.

2:13 PM

Blogger scooterlulu said...

on a side note, someone should tell him and his wife that a masters degree in psychology is worthless. i should know, i have one.

good luck with that killer.


2:41 PM

Blogger scooterlulu said...


Has your Masters in Psychology helped you to figure out more about why you had that affair with that male prostitute (for 3 years) who put you in touch with that Meth dealer who you then bought lots of drugs from? I hope so. I bet they have a whole class on that don't they? -Lulu

2:59 PM

Blogger CaptainAdventure said...

So if one is only gay while having gay sex with a prostitute, where does that leave people who are okay with the idea of being gay and aren't looking for an exuse? Are they no longer eligible to be gay?

8:12 AM

Blogger scooterlulu said...

Nope. They are no longer gay. And straight people are only straight when they are having sex with a person or prostitute of the opposite sex. The rest of the time, everyone (gay, straight, etc.) floats in the limbo of bisexuality. Congratulations!

9:11 AM

Anonymous Dr. Bombay said...

Does this also mean that someone is only a meth addict when they are doing meth?

10:12 AM


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