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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Non-Existent Global Warming Kills Polar Bears

Global Warming is junk science, but today the Bush administration has been forced to admit that, while non-existent, global warming maybe be killing polar bears. The Department of Interior is expected to announce its proposal to add the Polar Bear to the list of threatened species some time this week. What does this mean? Well, if the polar bear is added to the list of threatened species (under the Endangered Species Act) any action that threatens their livelihood, could be considered illegal. Global warming happens to threaten their livelihood. This sets the stage for a potential battle to prove that either A.) global warming really doesn’t exist or B.) that humans aren’t causing it. It promises to be an uphill battle for whoever takes it on, you know, given the overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Rosie O'Donnell And Donald Trump Engage in Mature Adult Cat Fight

Everybody knows that Miss USA was drinking and doing coke and making out with Miss Teen USA at clubs. Old story, but maybe something hilarious has come of all of the wasted “News” coverage. That hilarious thing is the schoolyard fight going on between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. They are both talking so much trash in so many places that it is hard to keep track. So for you our GTB readers, I have gone through the various reports and composed the fight as it would have happened if Rosie and The Donald had run into each other on an actual playground:

Rosie: Because [your] show ‘The Apprentice' is starting again in January, [you] held a big press conference to see if [you were] going to allow Miss USA, such a prestigious title. It's basically a model competition . . . They have one question in Miss USA, yeah and they're like ‘I'd like to cure cancer and end world hunger – and then I'd like to go to Studio 54 and do some crack.' [You’re] the moral authority? Left the first wife - had an affair. Left the second wife - had an affair. . . . But [you’re] the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend!

The Donald: You'd better be careful or I'll send one of my friends over to take your girlfriend! I imagine it would be pretty easy to take [your] girlfriend away, considering how [you] look. [You are] totally out of control. I'm worth billions of dollars, and I have to listen to this fat slob?

There was more of Donald calling Rosie a fatso and a failure and ugly and talking about sending his “friends to take her girlfriend” (which sounds a LOT like kidnapping), then Rosie called Donald a glorified “snake-oil salesman”. Now Donald is going to sue Rosie. They both suck and I hate ‘The View’ and frankly ‘The Apprentice’ has been sliding downhill for years. If the two of them got together and had a show where they wrestled each other in pudding, it might actually help their respective images.

*Sorry for a post that is D-list celebrity gossip and all quotes by other people but let’s be honest, I can’t come up with anything half as intelligent as the venom Rosie and the Donald have been spewing at each other.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Religion is to Politics as Steak is to Vanilla Icing

Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode is in hot water for a letter sent to his constituents where he states:

"The Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration, there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran. I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America."

Naturally, some people are upset and want him to apologize and he refuses. Blah, Blah, Blah, the usual. Here's what I want to know, use the Quran for what? Are people in Congress using a different "Book about Religion" for something that I don't know about? Because they aren't supposed to be. It is a little funny to me that nobody thought about this before (well, besides our Forefathers). If you open the door for mixing politics with religion, you open the door to mixing politics with ALL religions, even the one's you don't care for Mr. Goode. Separation of Church and State PROTECTS Religion and Government, and maybe it would serve us well to remember that today's majority could be tomorrow's minority, faster than you can say 2006 Midterm Elections.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Scooter & Lulu Got Mail!

After a suggestion this morning from a reader, Scooter and Lulu have established an e-mail address. Please feel free to e-mail us tips or threats (but not viruses or Nigerian banking scams) at:


If you don't remember that, the address is in our profile. We don't know how to make that address actually link to anything. Sorry.

We also have business cards now. If you want a couple to give out in your holiday cards or to dudes you meet at clubs, please e-mail us your address and we can send you some. In a perfect example of poor planning, our business cards were made several days prior to the establishment of this new e-mail address so you will have to write it on the back. Sorry.

Thank you again for enjoying our blog,

Scooter & Lulu

*thanks to the anonymous poster who gave us the tip on avoiding the really scary sounding evil spam bots.

Chuck Norris Ruined My Opinion of Chuck Norris

I promised myself I wasn't going to read Chuck's column on World Net Daily. Well, I lied. And I wish I could take it back.

If you recall awhile back everybody was talking about the awesome website "Chuck Norris Facts" that presents all the cool things you needed to know about Chuck Norris. Things like, "Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head." (FYI, going onto Chuck Norris Facts to find that example just reminded me of how awesome that website is). When I saw a column on World Net Daily where Chuck mused on what it is like to be the biggest thing to hit the internet since MySpace, I made the mistake of reading it. Chuck uses "Chuck Norris Facts" to springboard into his opinions on evolution, salvation, and Jesus (Jesus, good, denying evolution, bad). Chuck Norris has ruined Chuck Norris for me. The Chuck Norris who writes for World Net Daily is clearly not the Chuck Norris who "Counted to Infinity-twice". I guess the Chuck Norris I was trying to emulate doesn't exist. I'm going to go home today and throw out my "WWCND?" bracelet and start shopping for a new hero. Applications can be submitted as "comments".


Big Gay Soy

Soy might make you gay. Jim Rutz (neither a scientist nor gay) contends in a recent article on World Net Daily that delicious soy makes people gay by overloading their bodies with estrogen. He also informs us of the fact that soy destroys fertility and gives children Leukemia. Confused by the conflicting reports (that soy is good for you vs. soy making you gay and giving kids cancer), I turned to the internet. This guy (actual scientist) says soy is good for me, and this guy (blogger) says Jim Rutz is crazy. Since I can't get an answer, I'm going to cover all my bases by dipping my soy corn dogs in anabolic steroids.

Sadly, to investigate this piece I had to spend some time on World Net Daily (where they advertise a "Nukalert" key chain, "Personal Radiation Detector and Alarm") and I discovered something more astonishing and horrible than how evil soy is ruining America...Chuck Norris writes for them. He has a weekly column. Remember how you felt when you found out there was no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy? That's how I feel about knowing that Chuck Norris writes for World Net Daily. Kind of like there is a vacuum in my soul and the world will never be right again. It is comforting to know that soy is slowly destroying my body and I won't have to deal with this disappoinment for forever.

*Thanks to Captain Adventure and an Anonymous source for the tip.


Monday, December 18, 2006


Donald Rumsfeld was showered with praise at his "Adios" ceremony last Friday. Vice-President Cheney had this to say about the outgoing Secretary of Defense:

"Don Rumsfeld is the finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had."

I don't even have to say anything about this. I'm just sitting here smiling and wondering if Dick Cheney has gone crazy.

I hope they let Cheney speak at Kim Jong Il's retirement party. I'm sure he'll paint him as a great humanitarian. Or maybe they'll haul him in for Pat Robertson's retirement party where he can go on and on about how he was a warrior for Gay Rights and did wonders for US relations with Venezuela. Maybe I could hire him for my own retirement party! He can talk about how thousands of people read my blog and how I don't live with my parents.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Tall Man, Long Arms, Big Heart

I know you NPR junkies are demanding more "hard-hitting news" from the GTB, but you will be glad that I ignore you when you hear this story. The "World's Tallest Man" was recently brought in to save the lives of 2 dolphins in China. The dolphins had eaten a whole bunch of plastic and conventional veterinary tools had failed at removing the life-threatening blockage from their stomachs. Somebody got the bright idea to call in the "World's Tallest Man" to see if he could do the job. Bao Xishun, a herdsman, stands at 7 feet and 9 inches with arms that stretch 41.7 inches in length. Bao was able to snake his arm down the dolphins' throats and remove the plastic from their stomachs, saving their lives and making him a hero.

See, now was that so bad? Are you really that angry that you kicked off your day reading this heartwarming story of personal triumph and courage? Do you wish that the world's tallest man was a senator who had made out with the dolphins instead of saving their lives? Why do you hate tall people and aqautic mammals? You should be ashamed.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Those Kids and Their Video Games

Still searching for that perfect Christmas gift? I say Christmas and not HannuChrisKwanzadan because I'm pretty sure you'll only want to get this little gem for your Christian friends and family. The makers of the popular video series "Left Behind" (which stars none other than Kirk Cameron who played our favorite hooligan with a heart of gold, Mike Seaver on 'Growing Pains' prior to his intense religious conversion), have released a new video game. Titled "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" (rated 'T' for Teen) the game's objective is to kill or convert as many "opposition forces" (to be read 'non-Christians') as possible before the second coming. If you need a copy before the 25th, Wal-mart carries it.

Now, I've gone to the "Left Behind" website and they say I shouldn't bash the game until I have seen it personally. And they are right, I shouldn't. But as it turns out, I don't know anybody who owns a copy, so I'm just going to have to go with what I read on the internet. Besides, I'm not really sure that seeing the game would change what I'm thinking about it (that it is terrible). I'm fairly certain I won't say "Wow! Great graphics! They really make me want to ignore the blatant religious intolerance". My guess would be that if you're looking for violence in the name of religion (you can pretty much take your pick of which one) save your $39.82 and turn on the news. If you are looking for violence for entertainment’s sake, can I recommend "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas"?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Scooter Libby, More Important than Scooter and Lulu

So the GTB "comments" section has been a bit quiet lately. My first thought was that maybe somehow, there was some sort of electrical short and the computers of all 3 of our regular readers died and they lost their "favorite places" and couldn't find us. So I decided to see if we could be googled. I searched for "Scooter". We didn't come up, but I did stumble upon something of interest. Nestled on the 12 page of google search results was, website to the Scooter Libby Defense Trust where you too can donate money to help Scooter Libby pay his legal fees. I suggest poking around, but don't accidentally donate. The best part is the section with testimonials about Scooter not leaking Valerie Plame's CIA status (not actually what he is in trouble for so I guess it is good that he didn't do it). Most of these testimonials are from people on FOX News and the Vice President who says he's a "Great Guy". Overall, there are a lot worse people in the world than Scooter Libby. It is kind of sad to me that his web people couldn't figure out a way to get him a higher number in the google rankings. I guess all of the tech geniuses were too busy finding the Iranian Terrorists. Sigh.

The Little Mermaid, A Little Judgmental

Mattel’s Little Mermaid Shimmering Lights Ariel doll is coming under fire today as a California mother slings accusations that her daughter’s doll called the child a slut. In addition to saying things like “Your sparkles are so beautiful” and “Life is the Bubbles” (whatever that means), the mother claims that while her daughter was messing with Ariel’s buttons, she heard the doll say “You’re a slut.” Mattel says that the culprit is more likely the mother’s imagination than the doll’s potty mouth.

Now, I don’t have kids, but it seems to me that a doll that teaches children words and phrases they’ll be able to use later in life is a good idea. No child will ever grow up and have to say “Life is the Bubbles” or compliment someone’s sparkles, “You’re a slut” really seems more useful when you put it into context. Maybe they could get Ariel to say other things like “You ruined my life you drunken bastard”, "You are such a disappointment", or “I snorted cocaine right before our wedding ceremony.” Isn’t the theory, practice makes perfect? I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get Scooter one of these for HannuChrisKwanzadan.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Google: It's not just for finding free porn anymore!

They want to destroy us. They hate us for our freedom. They are developing nuclear capabilities to ensure the annihilation of Isreal. Who you ask? The Iranians of course.

Of course, knowing the GTB fanbase you want specifics. Which Iranians? Do you have any names?

Well you can find the answer to those questions in the same place you would go to find out which car is ranked the "gayest car ever"***


That's right, according to the Washington Post the CIA has turned to google to find out which Iranians are hell bent on developing the bomb and wiping us off the face of the earth. Lucky for you the GTB has obtained a transcript* of a top-super-duper-secret conversation held between Johnson and Smitty at the CIA.

Johnson: Smitty, we need the names of Iranian terrorists ASAP.

Smitty: But sir, we don't have any intelligence that can give us this information.

Johnson: Did you try the phone book?

Smitty: Yes sir, I tried that but all I got was one Alam Astami who lives at 1232 Evergreen Terrace.

Johnson: He'll do, but we need more names.

Smitty: Sir, I've got it. What if go to google and type in "Iran and Nuclear" and see what names pop up.

Johnson: Smitty you 'ole SOB you are a genius, this is promotion material I tell ya, promotion!

* In full disclosure when we say "obtained" we of course mean "created a conversation we believe may have happened" but that said, they really did search for "Iran and Nuclear."

Who needs plastic and duct tape when these geniuses are protecting us.

*** By the way, the gayest car ever, according to a recent google search is the Mazda Miata.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Everybody has Their 15 Minutes...Still Waiting for Ours

Four years ago Qian Zhijun's teacher loaded a picture of him onto the internet. Now a gas station attendant in Beijing, China, Qian has become a household name. Someone surfing the web found Qian's picture, and liking his unique facial expression, decided to drop his face onto some popular movie posters. Having replaced Tom Hanks, Johnny Depp, and even Jake Gyllenhaal on a "Brokeback Mountain" poster, Qian has become one of China's most famous internet celebrities.

Nicknamed "Little Fatty", Qian was initially hurt by the teasing, but has fallen into the groove saying, " feeling has changed. If you always feel depressed, then you feel uncomfortable. Now I can view this event with a calm mind, and I feel released". He hopes to parlay his internet fame into a career in entertainment, maybe even a cooking show.

Being that the GTB often engages in a bit of photoshopping it is nice to think that maybe someday, our digital prowess might make someone famous. It is incredibly unlikely that that someone will be us.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Who's Your Daddy?

Mary Cheney and Heather Poe have announced they are expecting their first child this Spring! The couple is ecstatic and is looking forward to all the joys of parenthood. The GTB wants to wish them the very best of luck with the new addition to their family. The world can't wait to meet baby Chenpoe, Pheney, Choney, etc!

Now the fun part. Let's speculate on who the father is. My money is on Karl Rove. Let's be honest, there is nothing this administration does that he doesn't have his hands in. Why not this? Leave your guesses in the comments section. Best guess wins a warm can of Stag Beer.

Celeb Reality Show Ends in Tragedy

This hasn't happened yet, but I am confident that this will be a real headline soon. The latest concept in C-list celeb reality shows is to be called "Armed and Famous" where (former) celebs will work as police officers in the town of Muncie, Indiana.

The (former if ever) celebs were sworn in yesterday as reserve officers of the Muncie PD. The list of participants includes Erik Estrada (of CHiPS), La Toya Jackson (I don't know why she is famous but I don't have any inclination to look it up), Jack Osbourne (I can't see any reason why a former drug addict shouldn't be a police officer, can you?), Wee Man (of Jackass) and Trish Stratus (a female wrestler?).

Everyone was issued a badge, and a gun (hence the presumption that this show will end in tragedy). The celebs will be filmed as they assist real cops in real cop-type situations.

I can't say that I won't watch this show. In fact, I am pretty certain I will watch this show, but I would like to go on record as saying that people who couldn't keep their own careers alive shouldn't be charged with protecting the lives of the public.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Wow...That's Stupid

Ew. What's that smell? Nope, it isn't "Body Odor", it's Nashville...because that is where we are making an emergency landing. Ladies and Gentlemen, please put on your seatbelts.

A flight to Dallas was diverted and forced to make an emergency landing in Nashville because someone on the plane lit a match. After all the passengers, crew, and luggage were removed from the plane and screened, someone came clean that it was them. They had lit the match in an attempt to cover up "a body odor", presumably gas.

If you fart on a plane you don't light a match and cause the plane to make an emergency landing. If you fart on a plane you look at the guy next to you in disgust, making it look like he did it. If it is REALLY bad, you look at the guy next to you in disgust and then make a lot of noise as you ask the flight attendant to switch your seat.

The woman suffered from an "unspecified medical condition", presumably stupidity.

Warm Beer, Cold-blooded Murder

A woman in St. Louis shot and killed her 70 year-old husband after he brought her a warm can of Stag Beer. The beer was warm because the couple had been without power for several days following a winter storm. I'm not sure why they didn't put the beer outside if they were so adamant about "cold" being the correct temperature for consumption. I should probably mention that she shot him 5 times. In the chest. I know you are thinking that is a bit excessive, but that just tells me you have never had to drink a warm Stag Beer.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Maybe a New Favorite Animal?

CaptainAdventure has alerted me to the existence of an animal that I had never heard of and after my introduction to its awesomeness, I thought I should share. The animal in question is the Harpy Eagle. It can have a wingspan of 7 feet and its talons average 5 inches in length (AVERAGE!). Those are some crazy talons. If you are wondering what it uses these death claws for, the answer is, catching monkeys. That is right. This eagle EATS MONKEYS. And sloths. That is a bad ass bird if I have ever heard of one. If I ever saw a 7 foot wide eagle carrying a monkey carcass, I am not sure what I would do, but I think it would involve changing my pants. I thought about talking to Scooter about making the Harpy Eagle the mascot of the GTB, but it turns out it is already the national bird of Panama and I don’t want to seem anti-American.

Also, I’d like to point out that Ann Coulter is often called Queen of the Harpies. Is it a coincidence that Ann Coulter shares her nickname with a monkey-slaying flying beast predator? Me thinks not.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Molester Cries "Bingo!"

In a year where "Passing the Buck" is the new favorite hobby of politicians, actors, and musicians, alike, Floyd Kinney Jr. of Easton, Pennsylvania, has taken the trend to a whole new level. Kinney was in court this week on molestation charges. When asked to explain himself, Kinney told the judge that his wife's Bingo* habit made him do it. She spent so much time chasing the Bingo high that she neglected her husband, which caused him to turn to molesting young girls. In defense of his actions Kinney said, "She would be going to bingo three, four times a week. I told her to stop going to bingo, and she said, 'If they had bingo every day, I'd go every day." The judge replied, "Some people, when their wives are not home, decide to do other things, like clean their living rooms."

Kinney's attorney felt that his rather inarticulate client failed to "convey his rationale to the judge." Is there a GOOD rationale for molesting children that he should have conveyed? If there is, I would agree that "my wife plays too much Bingo" is probably not it. Maybe he should have gone with "It was my alcoholism". That's been popular this year.

*On a side note…in Spain, you don’t yell “BINGO!” when you win. And their Bingo cards don’t have the word BINGO on them. They are just a bunch of numbers on a grid. Scooter and I had an uncomfortable conversation when we played Bingo in Spain and had to ask how to play. The guy we asked just kept saying “What do you mean how to play? Is Bingo! Is Bingo!” See crazy European "Bingo" cards, here.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Alligators are WHACK: A Cautionary Tale of Drug Use

In case you were planning to smoke crack and pass out naked on a river bank in Orlando this weekend, I wanted to warn you that it is a bad, bad, bad idea (borderline Tara-ble, but just shy). I know it is a bad idea because Adrian Apgar tried it on Wednesday and an “unusually large” alligator tore his arm off. Actually, it kind of gnawed on his arm for awhile, rescuers “tug of warring” him out of the gator’s mouth are responsible for the actual amputation. If you go online, you can hear the audio of the 911 call that Good Samaritan Carlos Mayid made after hearing Apgar’s screams for help. I’ve decided it would be tacky to post it here (it is on the right).