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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Bam Chick-a Growl Wowwww…

Most of you know that pound for pound, pandas are my favorite animal. My lifelong goal is to have one come to live with me at my parent’s house. Alas, pandas aren’t like dogs. I can’t just go down to my local pound and say “I’d like one panda, no rabies, please”. There aren’t so many pandas in the world right now that they need loving homes to take them in. Lucky for me, this may not always be the case.

Pandas are what I like to call “self-extinctive”*. This means that they have little desire to reproduce and when they do manage to successfully get themselves knocked up, they are notoriously bad parents. The panda-tologists in China have found an exciting way to help encourage pandas to mate. They show them panda porn. DVD’s of other pandas mating. For instructional purposes only of course. In just 5 years, Chinese panda-tologists have helped to triple the birth rate of pandas in captivity using this slightly unconventional technique, which they have compared to “teaching a monkey how to smoke, by showing him a video of a human doing so.” (I didn’t know this was done, but it makes me want to get a monkey and teach it how to smoke. Then I could be like “Hey, this is my smoking monkey. Give me all your money.”)

Now that they have found a potential solution to the “desire to mate” problem, they plan to release a series of instructional DVD’s for new Panda moms to help them cope with the challenges of first-time parenthood. Some scheduled titles include “That Squealing 5 oz Beast is Your Baby, Don’t Squash it, Just Love It!”, “How to Not Kill Your Baby: Tips for The New Panda Mom”, and “Throwing Baby out of the Den Makes Baby Dead: A Cautionary Tale”. I plan to get all three off of Netflix.

*Not a scientific term.
**Thanks to my Mom for the tip.


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