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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween from the GTB!

Maybe you didn't have time to pick a costume for yourself, but it only takes a few minutes to pick a costume for baby Suri Cruise! Go here and help dress up the littlest Cruise to celebrate the only thing creepier than her parents...Halloween!

I Got Push Polled!

Last night I was sitting in my living room watching TV when my telephone rang. The telephone belongs to my Republican roommates (who are also my parents), so when I saw the name of the caller ID was a research company, I figured it was a poll about the upcoming election and an opportunity for me to mess with some pollsters. Here’s how the conversation between me and the robo-pollster went:

Q: Are you registered to vote in Maryland? Yes.
Q: Are you going to vote for Michael Steele? No.
Q: Are you going to vote for Ben Cardin? Yes.
Q: Do you believe your taxes should remain the same or maybe even be lowered? No. (At this point I realize what the computer is getting at and decide to mess with it to see what happens.)
Q: Do you believe the words "One Nation under God" should be taken out of the pledge of allegiance? No.
Q: Did you know that Ben Cardin voted to take the words "One Nation under God" out of the pledge of allegiance? No.
Q: Do you consider yourself pro-life? No. (Incorrect. I am very pro-LIFE. Life is great. But I vote Pro-Choice.)
Q: Do you believe marriage should be between a man and a woman? No. (Incorrect. If a man and a woman feel the need to get married, I have no problem with that.)
Q: Based on what you have heard tonight, do you intend to vote for Michael Steele? No.
Q: Based on what you have heard tonight, do you intend to vote for Ben Cardin? Yes.

This folks is a Push Poll. Illegal in a bunch of states (but not Maryland), considered unethical by legitimate polling entities, and publicly condemned by the American Association of Political Consultants. Push polls masquerade as a legitimate attempt to decipher your opinion on a candidate or issue, while really providing you with negative information about a candidate or topic. You could call it “Smear Polling”. You may remember the Push Poll’s most famous appearance in the 2000 Republican Presidential Primaries where voters in South Carolina received calls from Dubya’s campaign (they deny it) asking if they would vote for John McCain if they knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child (which he hasn’t). Dubya won the South Carolina Primary that year by presenting John McCain as “too liberal”.

Push Polls are fun and effective because they plant seeds in voter’s heads. Questions in them are often worded so that to answer one way makes you a terrible person (for instance, I don’t really support medical experimentation on unborn babies…Embryos that could be used to save or improve millions of lives and are going to get tossed in the trash because fertility clinics made too many, that’s a different story). For instance “Would you vote for a candidate who kills old people?” , you couldn’t possibly say “Yes”, so when you say “No”, the poll says “Well, did you know that Candidate XYZ voted to regulate the purchase of prescription drugs from Canada?”. Now in your mind, you associate regulation of prescription drugs coming from Canada, with killing old people…and with Candidate XYZ.

Sometimes they are worded in the hypothetical so they don’t actually have to be even a little true. Like, “Would you vote for Candidate XYZ if you knew that he had once been sent to an insane asylum for eating kittens for breakfast and puppies for dinner?” That’s a hypothetical question, but to the uninformed voter, the thought process goes “Well, would they ask me that in a legitimate poll if it wasn’t true? They must know something I don’t and I don’t have time to look it up. I’m not going to vote for a crazy baby animal killer.”

You see, I’m lucky. I answered the phone and laughed at the fact that I was being push polled. It is an unethical, and also kind of outrageously hilarious. Both parties do it. Ike Leggett push polled against Steve Silverman in the Democratic Primary for Montgomery County Executive, Bob Ehrlich did it to Martin O’Malley, and now Steele is doing it to Ben Cardin. The campaigns all say “It wasn’t us. We don’t know who is making these calls in our name.” Well find out, and put a stop to it. If I was running for political office and somebody was LYING to my potential constituents in my name, I would find that person and give them a push poll…right in the A.

I’m glad I kept them on the phone for 5 minutes. Maybe I prevented one call to someone who doesn’t have the time to investigate for themselves and trusts politicians to run honest campaigns. Ha ha ha ha ha…politicians running honest campaigns. Sigh.

Sorry this is so long, but I invite you to create your own push poll questions in the comments section. Best one wins.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Naomi Campbell Might be a Cougar

I know a lot of you turn to the GTB for borderline real-time news, so you will most likely be disappointed by this story. Not because it is old, but because it isn't really news. Naomi Campbell attacked someone...again, and reporting this is almost as stupid as if I did a story titled "The Sun Came up Today" or "Hollywood Star Adopts African Baby". I'm passing this along because the method to her madness in this particular incident, is just a little hilarious to picture. What is it she did? She clawed the face of her drug counselor, downright wolverine-style. This is the model's 9th arrest in 8 years.

The fact that Naomi Campbell is still out and about perplexes me. If a bear attacked someone once, we'd kill it and eat it. I'm not suggesting anything creepy, I'm just saying...

A Tribute to Unsung Heroes

There is no lower man on the fashion industry totem pole than the “Halloween Costume Model”. Rarely recognized for their work in print advertising campaigns run solely during the month prior to the year’s spookiest holiday, “Halloween Costume Models” are part model, part actor, and part inspiration. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank these unsung heroes. If it weren’t for them, we might not drop millions of dollars a year on one-size fits all, 100% flammable, 100% polyester, moderately similar replica costumes of our favorite foods, superheroes, and TV/Movie characters. We salute you "Halloween Costume Model" and hope that your recent gig as "Napolean Dynamite #2 - Online Halloween Section" leads to bigger and better things.*

*Thanks to Dave for pointing this out to me and demanding that I acknowledge the efforts of these incredible people.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Michael J. Fox is a Faker and In "Their Crotches" Democrats Support Mark Foley's Actions

Brilliant (-ly idiotic) radio persona Rush Limbaugh has said something else offensive. This time he is bashing Michael J. Fox, who suffers from Parkinson's disease, for releasing a series of ads where he endorses candidates who support stem cell research. I can't really make the quote any more hilarious than it already is:

"He is exaggerating the effects of the disease," Limbaugh told listeners. "He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. . . . This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting...This is the only time I've ever seen Michael J. Fox portray any of the symptoms of the disease he has, he can barely control himself."

So...Michael J. Fox didn't take his medication so people would see what Parkinson's disease really does to the people who suffer from it? Where I'm from, we call that BRAVE.

Maybe Rush is just upset because when he goes off his meds, he can't perform sexually. (I know none of you click on the links...that was a thinly veiled reference to Rush Limbaugh getting caught with Viagra that wasn't prescribed to him.)

Also while I was looking for this picture of Rush, I stumbled upon this article about Rush's claims that the Democrats set up Mark Foley and secretly support pedophilia.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Don't Be Silly! Voting is for Americans! (but not your kind of American)

Somebody is in trouble in California today, and that somebody is looking more and more like Candidate for U.S. Representative, Tan D. Nguyen. Somebody sent a letter to 14,000 Hispanic Democrats telling them (in Spanish) that if their immigration status in this country is illegal they cannot vote and may be arrested or deported if they try. While we certainly don't want non-citizens voting in a crucial federal election, the letter went on to say that ANY immigrant (even the legal naturalized citizen kind) could be deported for voting. That's simply not true. Naturalized U.S. Citizens can in fact vote.

The really funny part of this is that Tan D. Nguyen is an immigrant. If immigrants can get deported for voting...what happens to them if they try to run for federal office?!? Nguyen insists that it may have been someone on his campaign staff who sent the letter, but he had nothing to do with it and that person has since been discharged. Worst campaign staffer ever.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Drum Roll Please...

While we can't confirm this from a reputable source (I found this article on E Canada Now and China Daily), the world is all a-buzz that Britney Spears is planning to adopt a baby from Africa (mirroring her idol Madonna who kidnapped a baby from Africa just this week). So, Scooter and I play this game called "Would You Rather" and this is a PERFECT scenario:

Would you rather live in an African Orphanage or have Kevin Federline and Britney Spears as your parents?

Tough call, but definitely a Tara-ble idea (even if it isn't true, it came from somewhere and wherever that somewhere is, it is a land of tara-ble ideas and should be recognized as such).

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We have done it again. Just today the Washington Post (GTB Poser Paper) ran a story about Mike Tyson's endorsement of Michael Steele...the same story we brought to our loyal readers yesterday. The Post agreed with us that maybe an endorsement from Tyson isn't the best thing for Michael Steele right now. My favorite line from the Post's version of events:

"A Tyson endorsement brings some of the heavy baggage from the boxer's checkered public life, including the rape conviction and that small matter of his biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's ear.

Not all of Tyson's controversies are in the past. Yesterday, while clad in the Steele shirt, he proclaimed his desire to fight women for money."

Not that you need to read it, since we already told you this breaking news...yesterday, but if you must, here's a link.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Those Fools Think They Can Jail Wesley Snipes

The IRS claims that Wesley Snipes has evaded taxes for half a decade and may or may not have falsely claimed $12 Million in refunds, but please, this man is an American HERO. Those suits at the IRS have no idea what they are dealing with. Wesley Snipes single-handedly thwarted the efforts of terrorist Charles Rane to bring down a passenger plane, lived as a half-human/half-vampire (a.k.a. Manpire) to save the entire human race, AND while working as a DC cop he solved the murder of a young staffer KILLED AT THE WHITE HOUSE! For God’s sake! We should be paying HIM taxes for all the good he has done!

I can’t wait to see this. There is no prison that will hold Wesley Snipes. You may remember that he has already escaped police custody once before and that was with 1st degree badass Tommy Lee Jones leading the investigation. The GTB’s prediction is that Wesley Snipes will spend 2 days in prison before tearing down the cement walls with his bare hands and threatening guards with a weapon made completely out of soap on a rope and last night's chow line meatloaf. Good luck US Prison System, you’re gonna need it!

Mmmmmm....Delicious Bride

Viktoriya Shtefano, new wife to Ukrainian cooking sensation Valentyn Shtefano, marched down the aisle a few weeks ago in a dress made of 1,500 cream puffs, complimented by a bouquet and necklace made of caramelized sugar. There isn't too much more you need to know about this story, but you should be aware that if I ever decide to get married I am going to demand that I be able to eat my dress when the ceremony is over.

To all of you who have told me that an "edible wedding gown" was a foolish idea and that it would "never happen" and that I should "give up the dream" and that I can't "have my dress and eat it too" you I say "Liars!"*

*Thanks to Captain Adventure for the tip...and for always believing in my awesome ideas.

Mike Tyson Endorses Michael Steele (and wants to fight women)

Mike Tyson ($10 says you thought he was dead or still in jail) is about to launch his "Mike Tyson World Tour" and has suggested that it might be fun for him to step into the ring with a female opponent. While Tyson insists it would be "just for fun and to raise money for charity", it seems like a bad idea to put a convicted rapist/former heavyweight champion in the ring with a woman, but maybe that is just me.

In other news, Tyson gave a shout out to Maryland U.S. Senate Candidate Michael Steele. Since taking a break from his busy ear biting and incarceration schedule, Tyson has had time to research the politician and says he doesn't group him with other black republicans who he previously called "sellouts". I don't think we will see this stellar endorsement on Michael Steele's website anytime soon.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Things are Going Well in Iraq (but that depends on who you ask and how you define well)

A study led by Gilbert Burnham of Johns Hopkins University and published this week in the Lancet (one of the world’s oldest and most respected peer-reviewed journals) says that 654,965 Iraqi’s have been killed since the beginning of the US- led invasion of the country in 2003. The study concludes that somewhere between 392,979 and 942,636 Iraqi citizens have died and the 654,965 is based on the assumption that the actual number of deaths lies somewhere towards to middle of that range.

Don’t be too worried though, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have dismissed the data as skewed and claim that the actual number of deaths is something closer to 40,000 (or 50,000 if you believe General George Casey…what’s an additional 10,000 dead between friends right?), but don’t have an actual number because as Tony Blair put it, “that is an issue for the Iraqi government”. Phew! This clarification makes me feel much better. 50,000 innocent lives is nothin’! Hang in there Iraq!

Dubya added (as if the Iraqis had a choice in the matter) “I am amazed that this is a society which so wants to be free that they're willing to -- you know, that there's a level of violence that they tolerate.”

The dice are loaded and Dubya is staking America’s future and security on his belief that Iraqis are willing to sacrifice 40,000 (or maybe 950,000) of their own in a war they didn’t ask for without harboring any resentment for their “liberators”. If he is wrong and this isn’t a level of violence that they can “tolerate” so help us God we are screwed.

Friday, October 06, 2006

GTB PSA #3 - Borat

Last night, Scooter and Lulu had the opportunity to attend the press screening of the movie Borat (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan), the funniest movie we have ever seen.

Borat is the story of a Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev who comes to America to make a documentary about American Culture for the Kazakhstan Ministry of Information. Borat and his producer Azamat Bagatov embark upon a cross-country journey to find Pamela Anderson, documenting the people they meet and the customs they witness along the way. Borat arrives in America with prejudices we didn’t even know existed and in his own incredibly offensive way, Borat uses these prejudices to expose bigotry in America.

In a country where we say homosexual and think fag, bigotry has become polite. By being so outlandishly prejudiced, Borat is able to evoke from ordinary Americans the terrible things they honestly believe and feel about the people around them. Borat drags American bigotry out into the sunlight for everybody to see (or to point and laugh at).

While some people may rise to defense of the population of Kazakhstan, I would say that the group(s) who should be most ashamed by their portrayal in this film are actually Americans. While the people of Kazakhstan are portrayed as poor and ignorant, the Americans who Borat meets and includes in his film come across as dirty bigots (for the most part) and to me that is so much worse. Borat’s bigotry is rooted in his inexperience with people who are different from himself. He comes to America, a country where people have every opportunity to learn about and appreciate the differences in the people around them, but never bother. In the end, Kazakhstan comes out looking pretty good.

This movie is so offensive it will make you cringe. But it will also make you laugh harder than you have ever laughed…maybe in your entire life. Maybe you can’t fight bigotry when it only shows itself around the dinner table and behind closed doors. Maybe you have to drag it out and laugh at its ridiculousness. Dzienkuje! (that's sort of Polish for Thank You!)


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Katherine Harris Weighs In on the Foley Debate

Katherine Harris (like everyone else) has weighed in on the Mark Foley scandal, but the funny thing is, a news channel actually gave her opinion air time. See the video, here. My favorite part is when she says, "If anything, the Republicans didn't know about these issues." Well, Katherine, according to Fox News (and every other major media outlet...and the FBI), the Republicans did know. Like a year ago. Oh, nobody called you? Maybe because you are crazy? I have a feeling that when Katherine Harris says "The Republicans" she means herself..."I Katherine Harris didn't know about these issues". It is kind of cute how she thinks she is still a big time player in the Republican party. She reminds me of a jilted wife. Always cooking and cleaning and ironing and skewing election recount results for her husband just to come home one day to a note that says "I don't know you. Please stop calling me, sending me your underwear, and boiling bunnies in my kitchen". Maybe Katherine Harris and Morgan Wilkins could form some sort of support group?

Scooter Needs Help

Most of you already know about this, but your good friend Scooter has signed up for the AIDS marathon training program. This training program is a six month endeavor which will prepare me for the 2007 Miami Marathon (lulu, you coming to miami?). More importantly than preparing me for this race, the AIDS Marathon training program is a fundraiser for Whitman-Walker Clinic, the largest HIV/AIDS services provider in the DC Metro area. I have volunteered at Whitman-Walker for 5 years now and I can't overstate how dire their financial needs are.

For many of you, you have already received a letter from me soliciting your help. For those of you that did not, or lost it you can donate money at my online website.

Also, im toying with having a fundraising party and would love to receive feedback on what kinda of succesful things I could do to raise money. Would you pay a 10 dollar charity cover (for beer and food)? 20? would you bid on gift cards to restaurants (for example) in a silent auction?

I know this post is a bit "lamer" than our usual witty banter, but it's important to me and your help and feedback is appreciated.


Do YOU want to be a HERO today?

You might remember awhile back we posted a PSA about how YOU could help The Hoff (like the Hoff really needs any help from us…gosh!). Well, today is the day. When I fired up my e-mail this morning, there it was, the long awaited “Hoff Alert” directing me to go this instant and purchase The Hoff’s bitchin’ single “Jump In My Car” the hope of course being that we the people could catapult our hero to the top of the charts in the UK. Since I can assume that very few of you actually signed up for the “Hoff Alert”, here’s a link to purchase the single. Don’t even think of getting it off of ITunes…since we are mostly Ugly Americans here at the GTB, we can’t purchase from the UK ITunes store and therefore, our efforts will be wasted.

In other news, The Hoff (who Princess Diana did not have a crush on) fell asleep on camera and made inappropriate advances towards a female interviewer while promoting his new album in the UK this weekend. Contrary to how it looked, he insists that he was not drunk and does not have a drinking problem (you may remember this came up before when he was thrown out of Wimbledon for being a dirty drunk…and when he was accused of beating his ex-wife); rather it was “the sleeping pills".

Remember folks, drugs and booze are just the trials and tribulations of being a star. It doesn’t make The Hoff less awesome…it makes him human. Help The Hoff…NOW!


Monday, October 02, 2006

Here's a Winner...

I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. I'm days behind on this one and most of you already know the story...but have you read the Instant Messages? Beware, that link is sorta NSFW. The interesting news is that he checked himself into rehab for alcoholism today. I know lots of guys who do stupid things when they are drunk (like I have one friend who thinks he knows Kung Fu...he doesn't), but I haven't met anyone who gets drunk and suddenly decides to send sexually explicit instant messages/e-mails to underaged boys. In the words of my Kung Fu loving friend "Everybody has their vice." Too bad for Mark Foley that his vice is a few years shy of legal. To Mark Foley...and his truly Tara-ble idea.

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